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Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Feliz Cinco de Mayo! Well, I guess it's almost over now. Anyway, I was going to go and hang out with a friend tonight after I taped the show at KAET, but she bailed. She had a massive headache so I guess we'll reschedule. It really bummed me out though. I'm missing fellowship time, communicating time. When I'm not at school or at work or doing schoolwork, what little free time I have is spent with my boyfriend or my family or church. I feel like there's been quite a disconnect lately. I guess I just miss talking for hours on the phone with my best friends. I've drifted into an even deeper slump this after spending time with one of my best friends this past weekend in Tucson. Being around her made me feel homesick, if that makes any sense. We know each other so well and i can talk to her about anything and she'll completely understand. And she's always there for me when I need her, even though her free time is probably even less than mine. But she's a true friend and even now as I write about her, I can't help but feel sad and tear up a bit.
But hey, that's life right? Busy with getting things in order for the future, undergoing change, feeling a little lonely. I suppose I should get used to it to an extent, being that I'll really be dealing with it when I move down to Tucson this summer. Chels won't be there, she'll be coming back up to Phoenix. So hopefully I can meet some good, fun people.
I thought things would get better as I got older. That making friends would come more naturally, that I'd just ease into a group and run around with lots of people in college. But the more I grow up, the more I realize that some things never change. I'm still the girl that has a tough time making "run around" friends, the girl who would rather sit around and talk about deeper things or go to the mall and talk about deep issues while browsing through clothes I won't buy. I'm still the girl with insecurities, still the girl who tends to me more introspective and reserved when given the chance. I just wonder why there's such a scarcity of shoulders to cry on. I have my girls at church, but there's a part of me that just doesn't want to burden them because I know they have a lot on their plates too. And I guess what makes things even harder is the fact that my world operates on a spur of the moment sort of deal because I never know when time will free up. When it does, somethings else pops up in its place. Take for example, my MCO 302 class. We have to retake every question we get wrong on the tests we take if we want to get an A. We just took a test on Monday, got it back today and now I need to study and retake those questions along with all of my other school studies. I hope this doesn't sound like complaining because really it isn't.
I love my life and I love the things I'm striving for, the things I'm learning, the wonderful, caring people who surround me. I couldn't possibly ask for anything better. However, the statement still stands: it'll never be good enough...because I'm not perfect, I can't always give 110 percent effort for everything I do. But that's the standard, the gold standard to which I feel I'm measured. Call me a perfectionist. Call me crazy...whatever you want. I'll still always be that girl who needs something else, someone else to carry her burdens, tell her it's okay not to do everything perfectly and that no one should pressure her into feeling like she's not good enough. I'll still always need that reassuring voice in my mind that occasionally makes me break down into tears and helps me realize what a Ragamuffin I am, how much I need Christ and how weak I am without him. I'll still need that reassurance to tell me that walking by faith and not by sight is more important than having a clear picture mapped out in my head regarding my future. I'll still need to take a deep break, swallow the lump in my throat and move on even through opposition to the things I feel called to do in my life. I still need Him to cradle me at nighttime when I'm in prayer and tell me that He's here for me...Abba, Daddy.

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