Tuesday, February 22, 2005

So wedding planning is going pretty well. I feel like it's just a lot of little things to manage now and every free moment I have, I've found myself calling or e-mailing and then getting to my homework or calling an interviewee to prep for a story I'm working on. More than anything else, I'm realizing I have to lean more on God in this time because, man, I suck. The busier I get, the more I realize that I can't handle what I think I can by myself. And that's where the wedding planning enters the equation.
I'm having to hand over several large projects to special people in my life, having to depend on them to get the details done in the way I would like them and in the time I would like them. I've had to have a lot of grace with one in particular, but prayer and just talking to God about these things has really made me a lot more giving and understanding and alleviated a lot of pressure off of the whole situation. I'd like to say that I'm a calmer person, that I don't worry anymore, but it's just not true. I've been watching several special people in my life worry on a constant basis and I see so much of myself in them, yet it's not something I want to continue doing.
The wedding planning time seems more than anything to be just sharpening me and making me see qualities in myself that are ugly at times and beautiful at others. I see the selfish part of me, the controlling, perfectionist part of me and then in other times I see the giving, patient, compassionate side of me that says that things don't have to be perfect, that no one will ever be completely satisfied with everything I do or with the decisions I make.
I know that God has a reason for making me feel so strongly about having my family at the "big event" and I see how he's doing that. I may not always pass with flying colors, but I can see Him working in me as I desire to honor him and the special people in my life in appropriate ways.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Free. jg-2/7/05
The equation doesn't add up,
The means to the ends,
Why I'm standing here,
Why he still defends.
All along he's been with me,
He's seen me through those times,
The times when I ran my own race,
The times I thought I'd won.
The false celebration and emptiness,
Seemed to leave me far behind,
And when I thought my maturity had saved me,
Only loneliness did I find.
He long chose me before I truly chose him,
The unknown conscience, the "little voice,"
And when I grew tired of hearing it,
I'd ignore it at my choice.
Past times seem so far away now,
Yet one step and they seem anew,
The battle rages on within me
To overcome what it can't undo.
I try to do it myself,
Twisting and pushing away,
But still the yeast rises,
Worse still when I pray.
The justifications, manipulations
They wear at the heart
Until my fighting is fleeting,
And it's broken all apart.
My crumbling body lays broken
Balled up on the ground,
Awaiting the gentle meekness
Of he that surrounds.
He chose me from among the crowd
And felt my softest touch,
The one he felt certain
The one he loved "that" much.
He took my blackness,
He took my pain,
He took my fighting and disdain.
He took my heartache,
He took my pride,
He revived that "me" deep inside.
Life's not perfect nor will it ever be
Because it's waiting to be set free.