Friday, April 30, 2004

I'm homesick, I'm lonely,
Yearning for something more
I'm tired, I'm frustrated
Sick of just the norm.
Craving the sunlight
Hungering for satisfaction
I've realized the trivials,
Realized the emptiness of it all.
Oh expressive, unrelenting, deceitful heart of mine!
Constantly reassuring all the desires that will never fill
Empty, caught up in it all
Desperate, delirious.
I shrink into myself and curl into the corner
Away, unpenetrable.
Need to think, to analyze, to map it out
Need to calm, to focus, find a way out.
So used to doing it on my own
Somehow the reins are back,
Picked up from your feet
Along with the other mindless games, boxed and black.

I take them all back.
Push them away.
Take them all back.
What's yours is mine
But mine not yours
Consumed in a fury of selfishness
Consumed in my own black boxed games.
Alluring, intriguing
But they never fill.
Never fill,
Never fill.

....Lord prepare me,
To be a sanctuary
Pure and holy
Tried and true...
With thanksgiving,
I'll be a li-ving
For you

So won't you...
Open the eyes of my heart Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I wanna see you
I wanna see you.
Open the eyes of my heart Lord
Open the eyes of my heart.
I wanna see you
I wanna see you

For Lord,
This is my desire...
To honor you..
Lord with all my heart
I worship you...
All I have within me
I give you praise...
All that I adore,
Is in you...

Lord, You're beau-ti-ful
Your face, is all I see.
And when Your eyes
Are on this child..Your grace abounds in me..

Thursday, April 29, 2004

I think my sister's fish is sick. He's just sitting on the bottom, every once in a while going up to the top of the bowl and getting a nibble to eat. Sometimes I think I feel like my sister's fish. I'm down, go up for a bit and then float around in a world that seems to be so routine sometimes. There's a hunger inside of me that wants to see the world outside of the bowl, but at the same time, is fearful of that life outside of the bowl. Unknown, new, different and slightly scary. I'm always open to exploring, but the leap is always the most difficult. I can't believe I'll be away from home for three months. I can't believe I'll be away from my family, away from my friends...dejá vú....
Mi canción
Díos, quiero caminar contigo,
He deseado estar contigo por siempre,
Pero las cosas del mundo me confusan,
Y, a veces, quisiera tomar mi tiempo y hacer cualquier cosa que quiera.
Díos, digame,
Llamame por mi nombre,
Y ayudeme entender todo que quisiera hacer en mi vida.
Gracias, Dios, por sus benediciones,
Para el milagro de su Hijo,
Muestreme la puerta de vida,
Porque quiero más,
Más de tú,
Y menos de yo.
Estás mi canción,
Bailo para ti, y canto para ti
Porque estás la canción de mi corazón.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Searching....and searching some more

:Sigh: Another day of surfing the web and to no avail. I need to find a place to live in Tucson this summer and I had thought I had a place nailed down and realized that for the money I'd pay there, I could have more space, my OWN space and a bathroom in my room and possibly a kitchen. I'm getting more nervous as May is quickly approaching and think I'll be going down to Tucson this Saturday to do some searching. I'm enjoying the fact that I can grow up a little, that I'll be paying a good portion of my own bills and making more decisions on my own. I'm nervous about being down there because I'm not familiar with it, because I'm concerned about all of the little things that I probably don't need to worry about but worry about anyway. I don't know. It'll be hard to be away from home, away from my sister, away from my best friend ;), away from my friends and family. It'll be tough. But I know there's a reason God provided this opportunity. I just think about it right now and how I could be doing something completely different, had I kept going with broadcasting. It'll be cool to see what God does this summer with me to see exactly why he wanted me where he's putting me.
The days are long right now, with work and school occupying my time...I really should be doing homework right now, but I'd rather free-write and get what's on my mind sort of off my mind for the time being at least. Today I didn't get to talk to Obadiah much...just "hi" in the morning. That makes for a long day. I was fortunate enough to see him yesterday and I'm so grateful for that. It just seems to help my week along, you know? I never thought the "your mate is your best friend" thing was really true and though he's not my "mate" yet, I can see where the best friend thing comes into play. Although I have to say that I think I get sick of my girl best friend far more quickly than I do of him. ;) Funny how that works...

Sunday, April 25, 2004

So this won't be as deep as a few days ago, but today has been interesting. Do you ever feel like even though you're spending time with someone in a group, that you're not really spending time with them? I've found that even though I am with my best friend in a group, in a crowd, I can still feel alone and I can still miss him. I'm so ridiculous sometimes! :) I think I find the most complicated ways of feeling emotions sometimes. But hey, I'm a quality time person. You could buy me the fanciest present in the world, but if you won't spend a few uninterrupted hours with me, doing absolutely nothing but talking or doing absolutely nothing but staring, then you don't know how to make me intrinsically happy. Isn't that strange? I crave more than anything in the world to know others and to be known. More than anything, I just love getting to know someone and know their thoughts. Maybe that's why reality TV is so appealing to me at times, though I know the production people take what they like to hear and see and put it on the screen--slant it if you will.
Where was I going with that? Oh yeah, so reality's interesting to get into people's heads. I psychoanalyze myself all the time...I wonder if anyone else out there does...Oh well.
So tonight I finally got my "alone time" with my best friend. Nothing like it in the world and nothing I'd ever trade it for. That hour made me feel so much more connected and meant so much to me. And there's also something about enjoying the outdoors by the lake and just walking in God's creation. Very pleasant although I had been looking forward to Ultimate Frisbee. However, I know my heart really needed that time and it definitely felt like it was remedied.
Deep thought for the night; I need to get back into a Bible-reading schedule. I'm so terrible about getting up in the morning to do it. Keep that, among many other things, in your prayers. Also, Tucson...oh Tucson, my beloved..haha. Off I go hi-ho, hi-ho, this summer. I'm still praying about where the heck I'm going to live down there...I may end up at the dorms and oh, how much fun that would be! But I'm praying that God would place me in that room or house where I am needed and can be used. I know he can do awesome things and I'm willing to give him my summer, at the very least, to let him have me. I'll be trying the Vineyard out down there, so we'll see what happens. Hopefully it'll feel as good as this church family (dude, these stupid grey pop up ads are getting on my nerves! Anyone know how to get them to stop coming back???)
OK, enough of the ads, i'm out of here. Thanks for reading my heart. Hope you're having a great night/week/day whatever.

Saturday, April 24, 2004

I try so hard to climb the mountain,
To reach the very top,
Yet time and again I'm slowing,
Caught up, unable to stop.
I'm torn in every direction
As the path unfolds before me,
I feel so lost in this place sometimes
Though I've been set free.

On one side I see the green of the valley
Its rivers steadily flowing
On the other I see the darkness
The shadows, the thorns overgrowing.
It seems so easy a decision
Until I look again at the trail
And realize the one to the green
Is so easy to fail.

My life until this point has been full
Hardly anything I couldn't do
And even when things seemed tough
I always seemed to pull through.
I could conquer the mountain
Take a leap into the sea
And never look back behind me
Because I'd been set free.

Then again I'd never looked at the map
Had only blazed my own trail
And the times I thought I was certain,
To an extent, I did fail.

I walked the straight and narrow
Doing everything I was told,
Asking how high to jump
No matter how old.
But the heart wasn't changed
The thoughts not renewed,
So many things to deal with
So many things have ensued.

I'm still learning why the darkness looks so appetizing
Why the thorns so friendly
Even now as I stand knowing
They don't caress so tenderally.
The path to the thorns seems so easy,
So clear and so worn,
Yet I'm drawn to the Son,
Still feeling somewhat torn.

I feel like I'm talking to everyone when I write this, yet it's so much easier to be vulnerable when it isn't face to face. I do want everyone to know me and know my thoughts so I can be kept accountable, but there's a part of me that hesistates. It more than likely is the nagging voice of my inner self consciousness that I often struggle with. The same one that tells me no matter what, I'm never going to be good enough. The grades will never be good enough. The writing ability will never be good enough. My body will never be good enough. My relationship with the Lord will never be good enough. It's like this thing has placed a bar that is just above my head and no matter what I do or how hard I try, I can never reach it. I guess that is what I struggle with in the Christian life. I love God with all of my heart and want to worship him with all that I have in me...I want my life to be the best to honor him. Yet, everytime I fall and succumb to whatever temptation lures me; appearance, food, others' expectations of me, lust, I have the hardest time accepting God's forgiveness. I know he died for me. I know he loves me. But if I mess up, I feel like I've let this ultimate, Supreme, forever-loving God down. I picture him sighing, shaking his head at me and saying to himself "Jen, Jen, Jen...not again." I hate disappointing Him. I hate disappointing anyone. Is there something wrong with me for feeling this way?
It's like last Sunday's lesson. Pastor Danny was talking about blessings. Being blessed. The Beatitudes. I understood exactly what he was saying, yet when it came time to accept blessings, to be blessed, I didn't feel worthy. I feel like I've been blessed by God in so many awesome and amazing ways. I want for nothing, nothing but to know Him more and understand Him more. I want nothing more than to cast the desires and expectations of the world to the wayside, but I feel like that's my responsibility because those are the choices I have to make. I know I'm human, and i make mistakes ALL the time, but how do you get over the thought of disappointing your ultimate Father? I feel ultimately discouraged if I even let my earthly father down.
So that's what's on my heart...what do you think?

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

My heart cries out to you and breaks,
Such familiarity, it hits so close.
I pray for you often, but not nearly enough
God please wake her up
I feel so helpless, as my tears pour
All I want is for her to be happy once more
Turning to so many other things to fix the ache
My heart cries out to you and breaks.
I want to reach out to you and grab ahold of you
Hug you and never let you go
So you can't hurt yourself again
So that I could be your friend
I wish I could save you
Take you away and bring you back anew
I wish you could have more cloudless days,
Less days full of night.
This helpless feeling overtakes me
Though it's not about me
God, why can't I do more???
What should I do?
I know you're the only one who can pull her through.
God, I know you give choices, but can't you see?
This child, she needs you, but how can it be?
That instead she's swirled in darkness.
God, what do I do?
Please help me, what do I do?

Lately I've been praying for someone special. Though I haven't had the time that I've wanted to spend with her, she's always been in my thoughts. Maybe I have a little bit of that knight in shining armor syndrome Obadiah is always talking about. Maybe I really understand how he must feel now. With all of my heart I want to help, but I don't know if there's anything I can do. When you teach yourself how to cope with pain or emotions in a negative way over years and years, it's a hard habit to break. I know all I can do is ask for God to intervene and lead me in the right direction if he wants me to do something and continue praying to him about all of this.
Tonight's show on the Real World (a show I hardly ever watch, especially on weekdays), someone found out that another cast member was cutting herself after going through a tough time emotionally. The girl went to a therapist. But who knows if she'll be "cured." I just don't know. It hurts, but I can tell you exactly where it hurts...only, sometimes I don't think the "someone special" I know, knows. I wish she could tell me, tell God just where it hurts.

Change 4/6/04
So tough to be apart and yet,
Each moment filled to the brim.
Thoughts of you drift in and out of my mind
I should be focusing on what's at hand
I should be listening and soaking it in
But I sit and think.
I think of the nights we played in the grass
Music and trees swaying
I think of the moments spent talking for a lifetime
The moment of feeling pulsing electricity at the touch of your lips
The moment we danced, boombox low, rain falling gently.
I think of the precious moments
And pull myself further from the present
Actions of innocence, yet raging desires
Open one door and forever flooded.
Things may not be new now,
But they don't have to be the same
I sit here and think of you and know we can change.

Baby, I love you so very much. I couldn't have ever imagined being paired with the dream man that was forever etched in my mind's eye. But here you are. Baby, I know I'm not always the person I should be, nor the person I want to be, but I promise to you, now and forever, my life is in God's hands and I want Him to continue changing me. Support me, love me, pray for me as you always do and as I always do for you. You are my prince charming and as perfect as I could've ever imagined you. No matter what, baby, I promise that I will be here for you and love you with all of my heart and everything I have. I know we say this often, but truly, you mean the world to me and I couldn't imagine nor do I want to imagine a single day without you in my life. Thank you for your devoted commitment to me and your undying support. You are my very best friend in the whole world and I feel so incredibly privileged to be part of your life. I love you! :) (May 14th 2005 here we come!)

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Conversations with God(JNG 4/3/04)
I feel your heart breaking
As I read the words on your heart,
I know your frustrations
I know you don't know where to start.
Sometimes you wish you had the power to change
Those things out of your control,
To make life sweeter
And cleanse each person's soul.
I feel your pain
As you observe what seems hopeless,
And the intervention you await,
Seems far away; you're restless.

Will it come or will it go,
God's plan seems so out of reach, everything out of control
Tackle one problem, but before you know,
Another one surfaces, another ache in your soul.

Lord I need your wisdom,
Your clarity, your thought,
Tell me what to do,
Remind me what you taught.
I keep on falling into the abyss,
And you keep reaching out for me,
I try to take care of myself,
Believing I already hold the key.

This life seems so confusing at times,
The lure so deliciously baited,
Yet time again when I grab ahold
I'm reminded I should have waited.

Take this reckless abandon
Take it far away from me,
Lead me out of the depths of darkness,
Turn me loose, set me free.

I know your pain,
I see your grief,
Give me your yoke,
Accept this relief.
Rest in the One who's known you
Since the time you were spun,
Keep on pressing on
Until this battle is won.

Faithful to forgive,
Faithful to trust,
Lord I hand to you this precious gift
The one you said I must.
You gently entrusted it to me
What seems a thousand days ago,
I held it close for a bit of time
Then did what my second nature knows.
I turned my face from you
Yet you persisted on,
Reminding me it wasn't mine
And someday it would be gone.
After that it would be You and me
With no distractions or worldly things,
Just my Abba and me
You are my love song, you are my king.

Today I cleaned the house for pretty much the whole day. It was a good thing, because everything was a mess! Also, I have lots of studying to do--can you tell I'm procrastinating? I just want this semester to be over already!!!!
I'm still continuing to struggle with myself on a number of issues, but mostly surrendering. Recently, I surrendered my future in terms of my career, and now I need to continue surrendering my physical relationship. Sometimes it just feels as if time is standing still and the day will never come. I know it will, I mean, it's already been 2 years, but somehow one more year just seems like forever.
I need to get back on track with reading my Bible more and my prayer life is slowly but surely getting back to what it used to be. The hardest thing about all of this is that it never seems like there's enough time. But then again, I say that after I lounge in front of the TV for a few hours. I just want to be mindless sometimes after days that are full of thinking.
Anyway, there's my day and my thoughts in a nutshell.