Tuesday, December 11, 2007

without You

by jp

Resisting His arms
To hold me and calm me,
Staying busy with everything
Trying to be independent and free.

Angst boils up inside
Wanting answers while wanting to hide.
Confront it, oh I've tried
Somehow it never works, I confide.
But now I need Him most
No time to threaten or boast,
Humble myself and give myself completely
Knowing He'll listen and take care of me.

It's true
I'm lost without You.
It's too much to take on
Too much to try to stay calm.
Too much to try to comfort and be
Someone other than a person who's innately incomplete.

I wrote this tonight out of the depths of my heart.

I think everyone experiences the highs and lows of the Christian life and thought my faith is still very strong, I'm feeling weak at the moment...mostly because I'm not relying on God the way I suppose I should be. I've finally hit the brick wall called my humanity. I believe God will do what He's promised and that no matter what happens in my life, He's in complete control and I don't need to worry...but I still do. I still go through my pity parties, wondering why God took away those whom I hold dearest---and all within a year. Okay, not all of them, but the people I confide in the most, aside from my husband.

It's been nearly a year now since my grandfather passed away. The anniversary will be Dec. 25..yes, Christmas. While it's difficult to think about and still hard at times to fathom, God has given me an incredible amount of strength and peace in the midst of it all.

It's been only a few months since my closest friends moved away. Still, I believe He's doing it especially for my growth, most likely to make me rely on Him more for my needs, rather than turning to my friends and family for advice. Slowly but surely, God is taking away all of the things I often use to medicate my problems. Shopping (no money). Friends (all moved away). Those sound pretty minute and trivial, but they were big pillars in my life...well, not shopping as much, but that was my free time to just do something for myself.

Now I'm giving more. I'm giving the high school girls my time, my love, my energy. I'm giving my job my efforts, my dreams. I'm giving my relationship with my family more of my time and heart than I ever thought possible.

But am I giving God the same? Am I turning to Him in the wake of my absences? Am I turning over my foibles, my weaknesses, my shortcomings. The quick answer? Nope.

Well, why?

It sounds lame, but I don't know. Getting too busy and not paying attention? Having the wrong priorities, even if they look worthy by everyone else's standards?

I'm trying to sort through all of this now, while also journeying back to what feels like square one with my job: do I stay?

Man, this is a hard spot to be in right now. But I know I'm going through it for a reason, if not anything else, to bring Him glory.

I'm innately incomplete and I completely realize it.