Torn
I try so hard to climb the mountain,
To reach the very top,
Yet time and again I'm slowing,
Caught up, unable to stop.
I'm torn in every direction
As the path unfolds before me,
I feel so lost in this place sometimes
Though I've been set free.

On one side I see the green of the valley
Its rivers steadily flowing
On the other I see the darkness
The shadows, the thorns overgrowing.
It seems so easy a decision
Until I look again at the trail
And realize the one to the green
Is so easy to fail.

My life until this point has been full
Hardly anything I couldn't do
And even when things seemed tough
I always seemed to pull through.
I could conquer the mountain
Take a leap into the sea
And never look back behind me
Because I'd been set free.

Then again I'd never looked at the map
Had only blazed my own trail
And the times I thought I was certain,
To an extent, I did fail.

I walked the straight and narrow
Doing everything I was told,
Asking how high to jump
No matter how old.
But the heart wasn't changed
The thoughts not renewed,
So many things to deal with
So many things have ensued.

I'm still learning why the darkness looks so appetizing
Why the thorns so friendly
Even now as I stand knowing
They don't caress so tenderally.
The path to the thorns seems so easy,
So clear and so worn,
Yet I'm drawn to the Son,
Still feeling somewhat torn.
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I feel like I'm talking to everyone when I write this, yet it's so much easier to be vulnerable when it isn't face to face. I do want everyone to know me and know my thoughts so I can be kept accountable, but there's a part of me that hesistates. It more than likely is the nagging voice of my inner self consciousness that I often struggle with. The same one that tells me no matter what, I'm never going to be good enough. The grades will never be good enough. The writing ability will never be good enough. My body will never be good enough. My relationship with the Lord will never be good enough. It's like this thing has placed a bar that is just above my head and no matter what I do or how hard I try, I can never reach it. I guess that is what I struggle with in the Christian life. I love God with all of my heart and want to worship him with all that I have in me...I want my life to be the best to honor him. Yet, everytime I fall and succumb to whatever temptation lures me; appearance, food, others' expectations of me, lust, I have the hardest time accepting God's forgiveness. I know he died for me. I know he loves me. But if I mess up, I feel like I've let this ultimate, Supreme, forever-loving God down. I picture him sighing, shaking his head at me and saying to himself "Jen, Jen, Jen...not again." I hate disappointing Him. I hate disappointing anyone. Is there something wrong with me for feeling this way?
It's like last Sunday's lesson. Pastor Danny was talking about blessings. Being blessed. The Beatitudes. I understood exactly what he was saying, yet when it came time to accept blessings, to be blessed, I didn't feel worthy. I feel like I've been blessed by God in so many awesome and amazing ways. I want for nothing, nothing but to know Him more and understand Him more. I want nothing more than to cast the desires and expectations of the world to the wayside, but I feel like that's my responsibility because those are the choices I have to make. I know I'm human, and i make mistakes ALL the time, but how do you get over the thought of disappointing your ultimate Father? I feel ultimately discouraged if I even let my earthly father down.
So that's what's on my heart...what do you think?