THOUSANDS OF FREE BLOGGER TEMPLATES »

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Every day I realize how little I know.
I'm learning how to navigate the harsh waters of office politics. I'm learning how to keep my foot out of my mouth, how to keep to myself and how to let my light shine despite the walls I face each day in my office.
Maybe this is just office life, the way every place feels and how all employees feel at one point or another, but I feel a bit used and abused. I don't get positive feedback and when I do, a caveat is attached to it.
"You're doing a really great job here, but..."
"Thanks for filling space, but could you..."
There's no grace. No empathy. No pat on the back of encouragement.
Part of me wonders why I worked so hard to get where I am.
Is it all for nothing?
Sometimes I want to go and hide under my covers and just forget about the working world. I wonder how I'm ever going to be a good mom if I'm working in the job I am, or how I'm ever going to be there for my family if I pursue my dreams that have turned out to be so bittersweet.
Maybe I'm just new to this and don't understand it. Maybe I can attribute my need for encouragement and support to this generation I grew up in, which depends so highly on outward stimulation and appreciation.
Maybe. Maybe my expectations have been too high and that I've grown up in a bubble of teachers and books and grades always giving me my satisfaction. I had the stellar grades, I pursued my collegic dreams, I got the scholarship, met the man of my dreams, got married, got a dog (no white-picket fence). But why this dissatisfaction? Why do I feel underappreciated and just plain used?
The grass is always greener, as the cliche goes. I know that I'll never feel as appreciated or loved as I'd want to feel and find myself depending more on God as I cling to truth and the soft-spoken words whispered within. Hold on. You're trying your best. You're doing great.
Is it the job, or is it something more in the depths of my heart?
I don't want to lose my passion for what I'm doing, but I feel it waning as I deal with yet more expectations outside of myself, the ones that weigh on me heavier than the load I already choose to carry. Yes, my head says 'give Jesus your load, surrender.' Much easier said than done. How do you just coast?
I'm learning every day. And it's not easy.

No comments: