Hello everyone...
Well, it looks like it's going to be a busy next couple of days for me. I'm going to work on a story tomorrow (hopefully the people will call me back), then I'll have TWO stories to report on Saturday. Fortunately, only one of the stories is due that night and will run on Monday. The other one will run on Thursday. I also have 2 other stories in the works now, and I reported and wrote a story today. PHEW...I really enjoy doing this though. The busier, the better for me. It keeps me from having too much time to dwell on feelings of homesickness.
Speaking of home, I'll be back Sunday for a bridal show, then Monday I have an eye appointment, lunch with Obadiah, hopefully some time with my sister, dinner with my dad and hopefully more time with Obadiah. Tuesday I don't have to be back in town until around one because I'm doing the "cop shop" shift from 2-11pm. I'm a little nervous only because I haven't had to cover a cop story by myself yet. I'm so worried that I'll end up driving to the wrong place and totally missing something! Oh well, I guess we'll see. They say Mondays are pretty slow for crime...probably because criminals are too tired from the weekend, or so I speculate. It would make the most sense to me at least...
This morning's run was just great. The weather was in the 60s and the high today was like 92. It was a beautiful day. So beautiful in fact, I may go running again after my food settles a bit.
Tomorrow night the other intern, Lynn, and I may go to a Sidewinders game. It should be interesting because it's "Military night" and since there's a base really close by, I wouldn't be surprised to see a bunch of guys there tomorrow. I've also found out that Shaun Groves (one of my favorite Christian artists) is coming to Tucson on July 10th. Might be cool to see him play if I don't have to work. The only bummer is that it's $15 general admission. Can you believe that? That's a lot of money--seems like more than usual for a Christian concert. I don't know, maybe the venue is small. The other thing, really funny, if you do the "gold circle" for an extra $5, you get dessert and coffee--ooo la la!
Hmm...what else? Well, my bout with shopping is increasingly better. I haven't been shopping for things that aren't necessary all week long. I went to the grocery store yesterday and could've bought a magazine, but instead I only bought 2 gallons of water and some low fat ice cream sandwiches...which are really yogurt sandwiches, but for some reason that just doesn't seem as appealing. Anyway, those are my slightly sinful treat, though at 130 cal and 5 grams of fat, how much harm can they really do? Especially if you only eat 1. I have to say, eating 2 is quite tempting, but then I think of the treadmill (which I despise by the way, but put up with if I can't go out running by myself at night), and how much time it takes to burn off that amount of calories. I've decided what I need to do is start putting stickies on all my food so it says, instead of calories, how long I'd need to run on the treadmill to burn it off. That might stave off my cravings for a bit...or get me running more, whichever comes first!
Well, I think I've tired of all of my cleverness for the day. Off to find something productive to do without my roommate (her boyfriend's back in town now).
Toodles from Tucson!

Here's the latest article link:
http://www.dailystar.com/dailystar/metro/25553.php

If you have time, check out some of the other articles on www.azstarnet.com--it was a really good news day yesterday. Yesterday proved to me that even in a "small town" like Tucson (even though it's not a town...), "big city" news does happen.

My bubble has officially been popped. I have to work on Saturday. But, my editor says I have Monday off, oh goodie, while everyone else is at work. This sucks. I'm so upset right now. I was so looking forward to seeing everyone on Friday and Saturday. Obadiah, can you ask for Monday off??? :( This sucks.

Hellooooo! BIG news! I'm coming home this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whoohoooo! I'm so happy! Obadiah and I are probably going to head out to college group Friday and then spend all day and night (well, most of the night, not all of the night) together, go see my dad sometime this weekend and see my sister somewhere in that equation as well, but that all depends on both of their schedules. Sunday I'm going to a bridal expo in Phx with my future mother-in-law who is fabulous I have to tell you. I'm glad I'm not ending up with the stereotypical mother-in-law. But then again, what are stereotypes anyway?
So I'm really excited about that. I'll have a homicide update story coming out tomorrow in the paper, and then on Thursday I have another story coming out on some kids who did volunteer work and won an award from Kohl's. Pretty simple stuff.
Tonight I got my butt out of the apartment and worked out in the work out room here. It's nice, but it doesn't have free weights which I really like more than anything. You get a better tone from free weights, if you ask me. Someday I hope I can get a nice set of free weights--forget the big weight machine. I just need 5, 8, 10, 15 and 20 pound weight sets and I'll be good to go. Someday :sigh: but I've been looking at my up and coming bills versus what I'll be making and kids, it ain't pretty. Man it's expensive to be here, even if I'm living here "cheaply." When you're making about $1475 a month and have bills that total $965, but want to save $1,000 this summer...there's practically no wiggle room there. Yikes. So I guess we'll see how everything works out, but so far I have determined that bill suck. They eat up all of your money! When do you get to have fun shopping? NEVER!!! Unless you enjoy grocery shopping, but all I can think of when I'm grocery shopping is "what's going to be good for me and where's the generic brand so it's not so blasted expensive?" That's not very much fun. Plus, what you spent your money on goes away very quickly. Maybe I should just start eating less...beneficial in so many ways, no? :) Yah right, I like food way too much...
I can't wait until Friday!!! Whoohoo! The weekend is going to fly by, but I'm so looking forward to seeing everyone it just doesn't matter. I seriously contemplated driving up on Saturday just to spend a few hours with anyone, but then I figured I'd be coming home soon, so I should just wait it out. It's a good thing: between the extra expense and my lack of money.....yah, just a smart idea.
I'm so awake now. Maybe working out wasn't a smart idea. But I'm sure that after I jump into the shower I'll wind down. Guess I should go do that now. Only 3 more days of work left--tomorrow's in the "cop shop" again and then who knows!
Toodles from Tucson!

I'm sooooo frustrated! My article came out in this morning's paper and my editor or a copy editor changed a few things in it so it made some of my statements inaccurate and made the Indian Center seem like it's an Indian Clinic and those two things were talked about separately. I'm sooooooooooooo frustrated! It makes me look like an idiot, especially to the people I interviewed. Even if a correction is run, people who read this today will have a completely different understanding of the Indian Center and most probably don't even look at the corrections section. Grrrrr....
So here's the link anyway, though I'd rather not post it because I'm frustrated that two facts were changed in the very top grafs...
http://www.dailystar.com/dailystar/metro/25237.php

Today has been crazy. I'm not quite off of work yet, but I'm pretty close. I finished up my story today so that will run tomorrow. I also started another one today which I'm going to continue to work on and finish by Wednesday so it can run on Thursday. Tomorrow I'm training to understand how to do the cops, so I'll be downtown all day long. I'll probably be doing that for most of the week, so we'll see how that goes.
Right now I'm just exhausted. Chelsea and I talked for forever last night so I'm totally dragging today. Oh well, what can you do?
So that's my life for today..
Toodles from Tucson!

Finally, my mammogram story made it in the paper after about a week. Here's the website...
http://www.dailystar.com/dailystar/metro/25124.php

...who knows what's on tap today...

Last night I went looking for churches on-line and found one that wasn't far from the apartment and looked pretty cool. I knew it was going to be okay just by the fact that the worship leader said that U2 was the greatest band on the planet and that Bono had a strong impact on the world or something like that. It reminded me of home and our pastor Ben.
I went this morning and it started like any normal church service; with worship time. We sang two songs that I didn't know, but also "God of Wonders" and "Dwell." When we sang those two, it felt a little more like home and very comforting to me. The pastor got up to speak and the message was on lying and how it can turn a strong relationship to basically nothing. He started with a clip from "Liar Liar" where Jim Carrey takes his son out onto the playground at recess and tries to get him to "unwish" the wish he made that his father couldn't lie for a whole day. It was pretty cool. The pastor also works at Raytheon (?) which my dad has mentioned is big down here though I don't understand what that is aside from being engineer-oriented. He told a little anecdote about having to go through a lie detector test once at work, which was standard and the procedure for conducting the test. He was talking about how he had to face a wall when they asked him the questions and the last one was one that hadn't been on the paper he had filled out and the questioner asked him "Did you like meeting me today?" and the pastor blurted out "NO." He said after that it was sort of awkward, but the questioner said everyone said that so it was okay. But I think about that and think about God and how he always knows when we're not being truthful, when we're just hiding in the garden like Adam while God asks us "Where are you?"
Where are you. Where am I?
Sometimes it seems so easy to hide away from everything, to hide away inside of yourself, but God is always there and always knows the answers to each of your questions, even the ones you're not prepared to answer. He knows our thoughts, knows our intentions, knows our heart. And to think that inspite of all of those things, all of the negative thoughts that constantly pulse through my brain about myself, situation or others, inspite of my deliberate disobedience at times and inspite of my tendency to do what I want rather than what God wants, He still wants me because He knows where I am, even if I don't.

On my own,
Lying stark on the ground
Born for the world to see
Barely making a sound
Forehead to the floor
Face down
You see me in my weakness
You see me with my frown.
The hostility and emptiness
Is more than I can bear,
Listlessly waiting
For someone to care.
Wait.
For the hand that moves me
Wait
For the comforting one
Wait
For someone to free me
Wait
For the settling peace...

...I also watched a movie today. It's a foreign flick with subtitles actually. It was the first movie out of Afghanistan since the Taliban regime collapsed. It chronicles the journey of one small family of a grandmother, mother and daughter who can't work because of the fact that they're female. But because there are no men in the home, they can't put bread on the table. So the grandmother gets this idea to disguise the little girl who's about 12 years old, as a boy so she can make money to be able to buy them food. The girl works for a while, but then is taken by the Taliban during a round-up of all of the little boys in the town. The boys have to attend a school where they're trained up to become Taliban members someday.
I won't tell you then end, however this movie was incredibly moving to me. It's called Osama (the name the girl takes as a boy) and it's just so horrible to see what these women had to endure in their lives with the Taliban running around. In one scene, a wedding party is being thrown and it's all women. They're singing and dancing and enjoying one another until someone says the Taliban is coming. They all throw on their required "garb" (looks like a ghost costume from Halloween. No skin shows, it's just a giant drape over you with very miniscule mesh breathing holes near the face area. You can't even tell who is under the garb) and the women instead kneel in a room and pretend to morn and wail as if a relative has died. Can you imagine? One minute you're celebrating and another you're mourning all because you can only be viewed in one way; lesser of the sexes.
So that's been my day. Chelsea will be coming over later...
Toodles from Tucson!

It's midnight and I just returned from hanging out with the other intern who is from Iowa. She's really cool and fortunately for me, has the same value system as me. It definitely makes things a lot easier in terms of going out. She wanted to check out a band her roommate had told her about, but when we got to the bar they were playing at, they weren't there. Guess they had the night off. Anyway, we got strawberry daiquiris anyway and sat and listened for a bit, but we felt a little out of place. We were probably the youngest in the bar by about 10 years at the very least. So then we got out of there and decided to go explore the town a bit.
We went to the "Mill Avenue" of Tucson (what a joke!) and walked around for like 10 minutes. It has a ways to go if it wants to compete with Tempe. Then we cruised a little more and I showed her where a few shopping spots were around where I lived. It was good to get out of the house because it kept my mind of the homesickness I've been dealing with in a major way. With any luck I'll be able to come up next weekend, but I still have to check on it. I'll for sure be able to come up on Father's Day weekend which I'm extremely happy about!
Tomorrow I'm going to try out a church and I have no idea if it's going to be good or not. It's your standard non-denomination, so we'll see. Hopefully it's not stuffy. Then Chelsea should be coming over sometime tomorrow though I don't know if it's afternoon or evening. But that'll be good to be with her even though she's going to be going through a tough time.
I'm off to bed--very very sleepy.
Toodles from Tucson!

I just got back from the college and career group for Calvary Chapel Tucson and I'm sadly disappointed. I mean, I don't think I put unreasonable expectations on the group or anything, but it just wasn't home. The worship music felt dead, it felt like my old church where you just prayed the next song would end faster than the one before it. I was still able to get something out of it, but it just seemed to lack the passion. The college group Bible study felt sort of the same. I really want to be challenged into digging deeper, that there will be others there who are spiritually more astute than I at looking into the Word. Sure, there were a few, but it just wasn't the same. And I know that it won't and I was trying my hardest to get past the differences, I mean, I still related to them as my brothers and sisters in Christ, but something just felt like it was missing and I don't think it was just my wonderful church family. I can't really pinpoint it. Anyway, I left there a little bummed out and I still am, but more so because I saw everyone in the group and some of them sort of reminded me of some of our group members, which made me more homesick. I wish I could've been home for Bible study. I was so excited about the group starting again and got so much out of it.
I don't have to work this weekend and I guess my friend Chelsea's going to be down Sunday so tomorrow's pretty much wide open for me. It'll be good though. I'm sort of looking forward to it, yet dreading it at the same time. My first weekend without anyone.
This reminds me of all the times I reassured myself that I could handle being away from everything. The times I wished I could just escape from everything altogether and just be with me and God. My wish has been granted, for the most part and I'm realizing how much dependency was actually there that I hadn't realized. It may seem naive or whatever, but I really didn't think I'd be missing everything as much as I am now. Then again, how do you ever really know until you're put in the situation?
All I can write for my "clincher" is this: pray for me. Pray for my ultimate and complete dependence on God in this time for my source of comfort. Pray for me and my use of the time God has given me and pray that I'll be constructive with it for my own spiritual growth. Please continue to also pray for Obadiah and I as our wedding day approaches. Though it seems far away now, I know that this time is vital for us individually and together to grow so we can be the husband and wife team that God wants us to be for his kingdom. Thank you so much for your prayers. You're in mine as well.
Toodles from Tucson.

Swimming
In a world of mass confusion
Wishing
Things could be different
Praying
For victory over defeat
Hoping
Wisdom will overcome temptation
Praying.
Pray.
Prayed
I will pray.
Saving
Save
Saved
Will you save?
Rescue
Revive
Revitalize
Renew
Please answer my cries.
Swimming.
Struggling.
Surround.

It's 11 o'clock in the morning on a Friday and my schedule is unknown. Fridays are usually joyous occasions where you look forward to Saturday because you don't have to work, but I still have no idea what my schedule is like so I don't even know if I'm working tomorrow or not. Interesting huh? Also, my next story to report doesn't even begin until about 3:30 and goes until 4:30, then I have to get back to the newsroom and write my story and get it in by about 6 p.m. So basically I have nothing to do until 3:30. I could've slept in and worked out and read and THEN come into work. Instead I am sitting here at a desk doing nothing. Oh well, no biggie...
I've been reading our paper and it's amazing the kinds of stories that we circulate. Two days ago a truck full of illegal immigrants veered of the I-10 and crashed off the side. Eight illegals were in the cab while 12 more were in the bed, covered by a tarp. 6 were returned to Mexico, 3 were killed and the others were injured and taken to the hospital. Illegal immigration is such a complicated issue for me. On the one hand I see these people who desperately want to be able to take better care of their families who live in a 3rd world country right next door to the most prosperous nation in the world. I see their honest desire to help their families. On the other hand, you also read stories of illegal immigrants smuggling pot over the border, stealing trucks from Scottsdale and increasing gang activity in the city. The issue is so complex and you know there are two sides to it; the people who come here with good intentions, but still end up costing the American public and the others who just want to make money at whatever cost. Either way, we're doing something wrong here whether it's legislation or otherwise. Then again, I just read in the paper today that a bunch of Jamaican nationals were caught with a ton of pot in a rented house and $700,000 in cash. What about them? From everthing I can tell, our borders are not as secure as they should be. Whether or not people come here with good or mal intentions, I do believe they should go about it the legal way, but clearly, that isn't working for us.
Anyway, those are my thoughts at the moment. I have to say it has been really cool to know a good amount of Spanish down here and listen to the radio stations. I actually found a Spanish Christian station yesterday and have been listening to it. Right now they're having their K-Love-esque pledge-of-support time. It's just so awesome to me to hear another culture preaching the love of Christ. The station broadcasts into Mexico and many of the callers were calling from Mexico; Cuernevaca, Monterrey, etc. That was really encouraging to me.
Well, keep me in your prayers, keep my best friend in your prayers, keep my roommate in your prayers and keep me posted on anything going on in Phx.
Toodles from Tucson!

My article came out in today's paper in the Tucson/Regional Section which can be found on-line at www.azstarnet.com. Here's the link:
http://www.dailystar.com/dailystar/metro/24747.php

It's 11 o'clock at night and I'm tired, but tonight was good. Earlier this evening, Sarah (my roommate) came home and we talked a bit. Her boyfriend went back to Illinois for a little while, so she was just going to go over to the mall to look at something. I offered to go with and so we did. We had a great time shopping together (yes I bought one thing, a $13 shirt) and then we came back to the apartment and started chatting. We talked about a lot of things we both struggle with and it was nice to talk to someone I could relate so well to. I think it's possible, if I see her more often, that we could try keeping each other accountable with the Bible. She's not sure where hers is at the moment, but she said she definitely needed to get back into it. She had a great head on her shoulders and appearances certainly aren't as they seem in that situation. I understand where she's coming from on many accounts...The other interesting thing I found out is that she loves Sleeping Beauty. Crazy because that is my all-time favorite character...she's even collected some of the dolls, just like me! So the parallels are endless and we're getting along great. I think if I saw her more often we could become really great friends.
That was fun tonight, although I had to call Obadiah back after all of that was over and by that time he was already foggy from being asleep for a little while. So he basically dozed off on me for a few seconds until I asked if he was still there about 5 times :) I felt bad about waking him up, but I just feel better hearing the sound of his voice. It just feels like it's one of those really busy weeks during school where I have a ton of commitments and he has a ton of commitments and we just don't have the time to spend together. The difference there is that I know it will be at least 2 more weeks until I see him again...one if I'm extremely lucky.
Today was good at work. I covered a story about a house that had been historically preserved in the presidio downtown area. I interviewed the main archaeologist who dug up everything from Hohokam pottery and human remains to a love letter from the 60s. That part was definitely interesting. It was also interesting to see how they restored many of the existing walls that are made of a very delicate adobe material. The walls were basically crumbling at the seems. OH, before i forget, it will be on starnet tomorrow and in the paper tomorrow! Whoohoo! My mammopad article will be out on Saturday instead.
Tomorrow's article will be on the Tucson Indian Center moving to the downtown area. We'll see what that's all about. I love being able to be snoopy for a living! It's so much fun. You pretty much have every right to ask whatever question you want to know and I think that's great!
Well I better get to bed. It's getting more difficult to type now.
Toodles from Tucson!

Okay, so I had to write another entry because I just saw the comments my boys and Cela left me this afternoon. I hadn't really gotten sad in the last few days, but oh how that touched my heart. I miss being around the boys so much; playing 100 games of UNO...in a row! Building forts, teasing each other with water balloons, even playing fetch or going on walks with Rebel, their dog. I definitely miss interaction here. You can't imagine what it's like to go from living with your sister and seeing her every now and again and spending time talking to her, and then rooming with someone whom you rarely ever see and when you do, there's very little interaction. I got so excited when I was driving in from the grocery store this evening and thought I recognized my roommates red Jeep Liberty. She pulled into her usual spot and I pulled into mine. I even got out and waved at her...then I noticed that it wasn't her car..and it wasn't her! Slightly embarrassing, but more so was the realization that I missed someone I hardly even know. Being on my own here has its advantages. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, but what's the point when you haven't anyone to share it with? Phone calls and e-mails are mediocre methods of communication, but I'll take what I can get.
Anyway, I miss my boys and I miss Cela and I miss my friends and family and I just wish that I could have what I wanted and have the best of both worlds. So what do you say, everyone? Want to come and move down to Tucson for the summer with me?

The day only got better from 10:30 on, no kidding. I actually got my first assignment! How cool is that? Tucson Breast Center had the first MammoPad available. It's supposed to reduce the discomfort associated with mammograms. The story was going to run tomorrow, but now it's scheduled for Friday. I also started working on another story which I'll cover tomorrow morning at 9:30. Fun huh? I worked from 10:30 all the way to 6:00 p.m., no lunch break, just grabbing my half sandwich here and there and a bite of apple here and there. It was so great! I left work practically skipping! Seriously, I know it'll get harder, but I really enjoyed doing the work. It's amazing that I'm getting paid for something I enjoy doing AND something I paid for and spent so much time doing two semesters ago (JMC 301 Reporting). So I'll get my first official by-line Friday morning on the front section (I believe)of the features "Accents" page. It'll also be up on azstarnet. Whoohoo!!!!!
On a different note, I drove over to the Tucson mall, less than a mile away from my apartment, to pay my Express bill (the card is going in the trash as soon as I can get it there). Anyway, wouldn't you know it, I had to pass through Dillard's first and boy was it depressing! I walked out of the mall in a near panic because I just couldn't be around the clothes and shoes and cute stuff anymore. I can't buy anything right now. I need to be good with my money and shopping is seriously like a drug to me, I'm realizing. No, I haven't wasted my life away on spending sprees, I've actually never really gone overboard, but it seems like I've reached this realization that I seem to get the same feelings an alcoholic would or a drug user would. I like to go shopping when I'm especially happy or sad; it makes me feel better. I don't need people there with me, it makes me feel relaxed and happy. I don't suffer from "buyer's remorse" ever. And if Obadiah were to tell me tomorrow that he'd buy me the most expensive necklace in the world, I'd insist that he instead take me to the mall on a shopping spree. Anyway, I truly in my heart of hearts believe there is a slight addiction there, but then again, I do have a very addictive personality, as my father would say I inherited from his side of the family. That's why we have to be careful about everything in moderation. Unfortunately it means I tend to function in extremes sometimes...as if my willpower just isn't good enough in the middle. Excess. I need to just be satisfied with what I have and not desire. But back to the shopping, I saw some of the cutest clothes in the store today and it took so much to pry myself away. Granted, my wardrobe does need to be updated (when overalls and capris are a staple in a 21-year-old's closet, particularly a 21-year-old who needs to dress professionally most of the time) there's something wrong. Anyway, please pray for me and my slight addiction. Some people fast from candy, TV or whatever. I'm going to fast from clothes and "fun stuff" shopping. Only the necessities for me for a while... :( I hate having to be responsible...
So those are my "epiphanies" for the day. It was affirmed once again that I am in love with journalism and it was affirmed once again that I have a problem with my attitudes toward shopping.
Hope everyone is doing fine and dandy
Toodles from Tucson!

Today, so far (as of 9:30 a.m.) is better than yesterday. It's been interesting talking with my coworkers about the dynamics of the paper. Housed in the same building as us is the Tucson Citizen newspaper, which is an afternoon/evening paper owned by Gannett and the AZ Daily Star is owned by Pulitzer. Apparently they used to be the cream of the crop paper, but have since lost in circulation as the AZ Daily Star is the morning paper. Because of contract agreements, they basically can't change to a morning paper. Anyway, the interesting part of all of this is that because their deadlines come near the end of the day, any stories we're reporting on have to be massively secretive or we'll get "scooped" by the Citizen. This means that the crime stories I'll be covering will have to be pretty hush-hush when around the police station or else the Citizen could get wind. We're not allowed to even discuss our stories in the cafeteria because we share it with the Citizen. It's really pretty exciting because you won't get this sort of thing in Phoenix because we only have two morning papers as opposed to morning and afternoon. It makes me feel like not all competition in newspapers has been lost and that's part of the intrigue of working as a journalist. You're doing the news and trying to beat people to the finish line.
Anyway, that's my exciting note for the morning. We'll see how the rest of the day goes...

Exciting part of my day: Seeing two really fat quail in my complex (thinking Obadiah, Paul and David would have been running for their guns!) and a bunny rabbit (again..running for their guns)
Boring part of my day: Sitting through computer orientation and spending 6 hours of my day at work learning the ropes (ho-hum, but a necessary evil)
Happy part of my day: Entering my apartment and not having to fight with the stupid lock (it tends to hold on to my key even when I try to get it out of the lock)
Sad part of my day: Realizing I may not be able to come up on the weekends whenever I want because of work (they may schedule me for some weekends)
Surprising part of my day: Finding an excel spreadsheet full of wedding breakdowns like budget, guest list, bridal shower guest list, miscellaneous things, and websites in an e-mail from my mom (What can I tell you? The lady is excited, motivated and works fast)
Not-so-surprising part of my day: My roommate is not here when I am (out with the bf as usual)

So now that you're up to date on all of that, what else is there left to say except that I miss everyone terribly, especially when I get home and just want to talk or spend time with someone and I can't! I want to vent about my not-so-fun day and no one is here to listen to me...except my computer, which is not technically mine anyway.
My co-workers seem cool. I found out some interesting things already. The other summer intern is positively sweet as can be and I really like her already. We're the same age and so far, we get along famously (this said after a few conversations between droning lectures about computer applications and Safari internet applications..) I also found out the man who hired me who is the Metro editor has "a partner." Interesting. Nice guy though, but definitely a journalist. You can't really peg the mood he's in. Anyway, we had one lady we were working with who is really nice also and more than willing to help us out with whatever we need, so that's cool.
I had to take a photo right off the bat this morning for security purposes. Apparently the office stepped up security ever since 9/11 and the anthrax scares. I have to admit, it's probably the best ID picture I've ever taken. If it wasn't so large I'd try to tape it over my driver's license picture which is sorely outdated (think 15 years old, elated to get driver's permit).
What else....oh, I got a mailbox today, so if anyone wants to send me anything, talk to Obadiah and he'll give it to you. (Who knows what kind of riff-raff read my blog everyday...) :) Just kidding...
I hope everyone's doing well and that youth group and daily lives are going well. I'm finally getting back into a really good routine, which I'm very pleased about. I'm getting to bed by 10:30, waking up by 6 a.m., running and reading my Bible. Maybe some good will come out of this seclusion from the world I call "home."
Anyhoo, drop me a comment if you feel like it. Take care and God bless!
Toodles from Tucson!

2nd day in Tucson and it's getting better. I'm feeling a little bit more comfortable living in this apartment with a person I don't know. Sarah (my roommate) got in this morning from her boyfriend's at about 10 and I went out to make breakfast. She's preparing for the LSAT's in a few weeks, so she had to study. We were able to talk for a while and it was pretty cool. She runs, though it's not something she completely enjoys and says she'd go running with me sometime. She also attends Calvary Chapel here in Tucson with her boyfriend on Saturday nights and, from what I've gathered, they've been together for the last three years. It sounds like they've had many people speak into their lives about getting married rather than "living in sin" although that's not the terminology she used. I think I've got a pretty good opportunity to build a relationship with her and who knows. Please pray for Sarah and I's relationship. I'm going to see if she and her boyfriend wouldn't mind me tagging along this Saturday night to her church and I found out that the church has a college and career group that meets on Friday nights for Bible study, so I'll probably check that out this week.
So all of that is really exciting and I'm so glad I was able to talk to her this morning to get a feel for who she is.
I went running this morning and it reminded me of running in the South Mountain/Awatukee area. There are rolling foothills and lots of desert areas with small sidewalks. I really enjoyed it. I especially enjoy running in a new location to get to know the area a little better, although I've already seen some areas that I won't be running in any time soon.
The grounds at this apartment are just gorgeous. I'm right next to the tennis court, basketball court, sand volleyball court and pool. The pool is unbelievable and there are tons of barbeque areas too. So if anyone is ever up for coming down to visit, we could have a nice barbeque. Sam's Club is right around the corner so we get get lots of really good, cheap meat too. Anyway, something to think about. In terms of sleeping over, I'd have to check with my roommate to find out when her friend is coming to visit, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be a big deal for people to spend the night on the couch.
That's about it for now. Toodles from Tucson!

Hello from Tucson!
I'm here, sitting at my desk in my "new" apartment in Tucson and I have to say, it's pretty nice. I have a shelf above my desk area where I've put some framed pictures (no, they're not all of Obadiah!) so it looks a little more like home. I have a feeling it's going to be a little lonely around here because my roommate is out with her boyfriend pretty frequently, from what I've been told. Anyhoo, I have a bed that's pretty big, a nice bathroom and a closet with one door. That wouldn't be odd if it weren't for the fact that it's supposed to have two doors on it. Oh well, fine by me. My clothes and shoes fit in it, so what more could you ask for (except maybe more clothes...).
So back to shopping, the mall is literally a mile away from where I am and there are tons of other stores too. Pretty crazy if you ask me. People, I don't request living quarters near malls, but somehow it continues to happen! Obadiah's house (in less than a year, Obadiah and I's house) is right near Chandler Fashion and as it is, I am a mere 3 miles from Fiesta Mall. Thank goodness I don't live near Scottsdale Fashion!
I'm sure you're bored with the shop talk, so I'll stop...
It was tough leaving today, but for more than the reasons of leaving family, friends and a fiance (I love saying that!). This morning I checked my e-mail only to find one from my best friend saying she needed to talk to me immediately. I'd never received an e-mail like that from her before so I knew it was serious. Her dad died of a heart attack on Thursday. I had just talked to her on Wednesday night after Obadiah and I got engaged and everything was going great with the family, better than it had been in a long time. Then, bam!, the next morning he was gone. It suddenly brought back a flood of emotion and reminded me of when my dad had a heart attack when I was 18. Heart attacks are just so prevelent now, it's just frightening to me. I'm so afraid of losing other people to the same health condition. To everyone reading this: Please take care of yourself. Extra weight around the mid-section makes you more likely to suffer a heart attack, not getting sufficient cardiovascular exercise, eating poorly--fried foods, saturated fats (think butter, ice cream, animal fats, etc), cholesterol laden foods---please, if not for anyone else, do it for me. Also, you don't have to have weight problems to have heart problems--remember that. I love you all, please take care of yourselves!
So now I'm in a dilemma because I can't up and leave my job that I'll start on Tuesday and fly to Washington to be by my best friend's side, but I feel the strong urgency to be there for her. I can't imagine doing it without your best friend there.
Please keep the family in your prayers. My best friend's name is Christal and her mom's name is Jayne.

I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself the next two days. I have to check out the drive to work tomorrow to figure out how to get to the newspaper office. Aside from that, I won't have anything to do or anyone to do "nothing" with. What can you do though?
If you have any questions, comments or concerns, I've got a comments section now...feel free.
P.S. Tucson is not as ghetto as I thought it would be.

I'M GETTING MARRIED! Yes kids, it's official. My best friend popped the question last night at youth group and it was awesome! I only wish I hadn't been so caught up in the moment, then I'd be able to tell you exactly what he said to me as he got down on one knee. It was the single greatest thing to happen to me in almost my entire life (aside from giving my life to Christ). I have to say, everyone should experience it. :)
We have to take the ring to get it sized; just a little bit too big, so I'm going to have to do without it for a day or a few hours sometime before I leave, which stinks but then I won't have to worry about losing it. By the by, it's the most beautiful ring! I have no idea how to describe it except for the fact that the middle stone is a 1/3 of a carat and round-cut, then there are two outside diamonds that are..1/4 carat I think and are cut like triangles (what that's called, I don't know) and the gold band tapers into it so it sort of looks like a flower with the middle round part and two leaves on the outside-kind of like a bow. I don't know how else to describe it except for bling bling baby! :) Sparkle, sparkle!
Thank you so much to everyone who was "in on it." It was so special and I definitely felt very special for it. I'm the very luckiest girl in the world and now comes one of the fun wedding preparations...I get to go shopping!!!! How often do I get excited about shopping on here...?
Thanks again to everyone and I hope we're able to invite as many people as we can to the wedding, etc. Whoohoo! We're getting married!

p.s. 3 days until Tucson... :*(
: )

Hello all, and welcome to my blog again. I finally sat down and figured out how to do the comment thingy so now I can get some feedback if anyone would like to leave it.
Last night I painted at the house for about 4 hours. For about three of those I was on my own and managed to get quite a bit done. I've realized that painting is both relaxing and frustrating, all at once. You can relax and just paint and listen to music, however, after you finish painting the entire room, you have to go back over it again. Oh well, it's looking really nice.
The painter should be stopping by the house today to take a look at it, then tomorrow he's going to paint the ceiling and the top portion of the living room. Very very good. One less section to paint. :)
As for me, this is my last day at good ol' KAET Channel 8 and I think I have only one more transcript to do! Whoohoo!
Countdown to Tucson: 5 days
Packing done: 0
"Piling" done: lots
This Sunday, people! The week is going to pick up quite a bit from here. Tonight I'm taking Obadiah's sister Hannah out to dinner and a movie as a birthday/graduation present, tomorrow I have a car appointment for "the works" at 7 a.m. until 10:30 a.m., then work from 12:00-6:00pm, then Youth until 8ish and then who knows? Thursday I have work from 7 a.m. until 6 p.m., then hopefully, dinner with my parents at the wonderful, Souper Salad!--who knows what else after that. Friday same work schedule and it is Hannah's graduation and probably some sort of Pinner family fun time (just kidding--not sure), Saturday morning my family and I are moving Obadiah's stuff into the house, then I suppose I should probably go home and pack... :) Then Sunday morning, bright and early, I'm off! :) :( A little of both...
Anticipation.
Waiting for the day
Exhiliration.
The moment is almost here
Liberation.
A time for doing my thing
Longing.
To bring the ones I love along with me
Uneasiness.
Thinking of all the unknowns
Excitement.
To meet so many more people
Wondering.
Will I find a good church family?
Seeking.
Myself, to experience my desires
Hoping,
The road less traveled will not be too far

Less than one week until I leave for Tucson. Nervous yet excited...
So Obadiah and I spent our weekend painting inside the house. It was a lot of fun to see the changes in the rooms we painted after applying a different color to them. We painted the master bedroom a really nice light beige color and then the guest bedroom/second room a very light blue color. Can you believe we painted for two days and only got the two rooms finished? Well, I guess that's pretty good come to think of it. Anyway, my parents are also having a painter go in sometime this week to paint parts of the living room. The living room has huge vaulted ceilings, so there's no way we can possibly do it without hurting ourselves! It was a really nice gesture on their part and I'm very happy that I don't have to worry about Obadiah being perched precariously on a 50 foot ladder. :) Is 50 feet high or in houses? I'm just making up the number so I don't know if that's correct or not, but the ceilings are high.
I think the best part of it was picking out the colors at Home Depot. Home Depot is definitely not my kind of shopping unless it has to do with picking out knobs or handles or colors or fans or lights or cabinets; those kinds of things. Then when you throw in wiring or wood or power tools, that's when it's not so fun. I was telling Obadiah "so, basically, Home Depot is to you like the mall is to me and the mall is to you like Home Depot is to me?" Quite interesting. I don't think I know a single guy who doesn't enjoy Home Depot...
I'll probably go and paint more this evening without Obadiah. He's golfing today with his boss and then there's some sort of prime rib dinner in the evening afterward. Poor baby! :)
This week is going to be extremely crazy. Graduations, making time for family and friends before I leave as well as packing preparations and helping Obadiah move into the house, which he'll more than likely be doing on Saturday morning. It's interesting how everything seemed to come down this week, of all weeks.
Friday night was a blast with the college group! I loved the lesson and then of course, our activities afterward were even more fun! Our college group moms are CRAZY! Earplugs please! Seriously though, for all who missed out, you really missed out. Denny's at 1 in the morning baby, whoohoo! Love that hot chocolate...
Well, I suppose I should get to work. The transcripts are calling...

The producers just got done with their Friday meeting and wanna guess what they brought with them? Giant cinnamon rolls. I have other food though, a delicious, juicy red apple. Doesn't that sound so much better? I'll survive...

IT'S FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!! Whoohoo! Only 7 more hours of work until the weekend starts!! whoo...hoo...wait a minute, 7 more hours??!! Dangit.
Oh well, onward and upward.
Once again, I am met with a lull between transcripts and office clerical work. I think my internship is officially secretary/coordinator with "secretary" being about 80% of the time and "coordinator" being 20% of the time. Oh well, at least I'm learning something...
College group is tonight people! How very exciting it is. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again this week and just enjoying the company and getting into the Word. I've really missed it a lot.
Countdown to Tucson: 8 days--can you believe it? I can't...
So this whole G.I. Diet is going pretty well, although the exercise part of it has yet to be consistent. It'll get on track though. But the "dieting" part is going pretty well, although I have to admit that it's not easy passing up chips and cookies--why does junk food have to taste so darn good? And why do I have to work at a house where they are abundantly available? Just my luck, but things will be better this summer, as I will be doing all the groceries and completely controlling what's around me, aside from "office food," which is not that difficult to resist as long as you have other food. Still, I'm going to do this and get in better shape; very important, don't you know? ;)
¿Qué más? Well, that's one thing I haven't focused on for the last week; Spanish. I need to get back to studying it. Oh! So I got my grades for the semester; 3 A's and 2 B's. Kind of a bummer because I was expecting a B for Spanish but hoping for an A in my Media Research Methods class. In order to be considered for an A you had to take this final plus meet requirements for test retakes. I met the requirements, which entitled me for a B automatically, but I wanted an A so I took the test and it was just terrible. The longest, worst test of my entire life. So basically I wasted a ton of time studying for it and taking it because I ended up with the grade that I would've gotten anyway. Oh well, at least I tried.
This is so stream of consciousness right now because truly, there is nothing to do...not a thing to do.
Okay, well, rather than boring you with my "boredness" I suppose I'll just say TTFN-Ta-Ta For Now
That's all she wrote folks, "the bored one"

Good morning everyone! (or at least it is as I'm writing this)
What's new? The day! A very warm one. :sigh:
So I hear that some the leaders from the high school group went and ambushed the senior high students at 4 this morning. Quite interesting. I'm thanking my lucky stars that I wasn't around at their age and that my pastor's wife and leaders didn't grab me out of bed before school. I can't even imagine. However, it does remind me of cross country camp...
We would run twice daily; once, very early in the morning and once in the afternoon. However, the morning was the roughest. We didn't use alarm clocks (because most didn't have them at camp) and we stayed up decently late. We met up with another team from Wickenburg and their coach had a daily habit of playing the bugle to wake us up. After the first two mornings of that you can bet I was awake and ready for the horn. I'm not sure there is a worse way to wake up...wait, I take that back. My mom used to wake my sister and I up in the morning by flipping on the lights and singing "Rise and Shine." I'm scarred for life by both that song and I can't sleep if there's a hint of light in my room. It's interesting how things from your childhood can affect you when you're older...
So, lesson kids, when you have your own kids, don't torture them with "the lights" in the morning to wake them up. You'll forever have kids who won't be able to sleep if there is any bit of light out.
I'm not sure how the leaders woke up the teens, but I hope they didn't use any of the aforementioned techniques because I don't think that would put many people in good moods for the day. Then again, they did get to go to Denny's at 6 a.m.
Off to work I go, hi ho hi ho. More transcripts to be completed. For all of you who don't know, when a show offers to send you the transcripts, that means the closed captioning people (the people who type up everything that's said in a show), send the station the copy, then it is turned over to the interns to watch the tape IN ITS ENTIREITY only to place who said what before each quote in the copy. For this I am glad that Horizon and Horizonte are only half hour programs. I feel bad for the interns at Dr. Phil's show. I will NEVER EVER ask for a transcript for that reason.
Toodles. :)

:Sigh: A lull in work right now. Just waiting to get the script for tonight's show so I can begin my "coordinating" duties.
Today I bought Obadiah's present for our 2-year anniversary (next Thursday, by the by) and of course, I'm not going to say what I got him, but suffice to say it is great and he's going to love it! I so enjoy getting people presents and shopping for others...then again, I like shopping for myself too...maybe I just like shopping... :)
Anyway, so I got that done today, whoohoo (was racking my brain for a while trying to figure out what to get him), and now it is only 10 days until I am in Tucson. Pretty crazy huh? It's amazing to me that this time has already flown by--I've been out of school for a whole week already!
So for all of you looking for something new to try, a way to get your eating habits in order and drop your BMI number, listen up! I just found a great book. It's called the "G.I. Diet." It's not really a diet though, it's more like a way to get your eating lifestyle in order. It goes in two phases, however, the first phase is getting used to a new way of eating and watching food and getting to your ideal BMI number. However, the second phase is all about incorporating your new eating lifestyle into your future. The diet basically focuses on your glucosamine index (or is it glucose index...). It's like a diabetic. When their sugar levels get low, they snag a banana or orange juice which spikes their levels and also their insulin levels. The bad part about doing this to yourself is that most of those foods 1) don't stick around for long, so you get hungrier faster 2) store quicker as fat in your body and actually can prevent burning more fat. So you cut out lots of the processed foods, eat more fruits and vegetables and good complex carbohydrates (stone ground wheat) and cut down on lots of dairy products, especially cheese because of all the saturated fat (bad for the heart folks). It's a way to really watch what you're eating and get healthy and faze out the bad stuff.
I started reading the book yesterday (read the entire thing; very concise and makes perfect sense)and I realized while I was reading it, that the things I thought were really healthy (pretzels, fat free yogurt, fat free jello pudding, etc) are not that great because they boost you up really quick, but don't really satisfy for long.
I started today with the "diet" and have had oatmeal (no sugar)and an apple for breakfast, a tuna sandwich on whole wheat for lunch and an apple and water for a snack. I'm actually feeling really good. The other benefit, so the book says, is that you'll feel less lethargic from all of the bad stuff you consume.
Other things about it, in phase one: no alcohol (bad news for us just-turned-21-year-olds), no caffeine (no problem for me since I hate coffee and soda--except for the occasional root beer), no ice cream (sniff, sniff), no pizza (sniff sniff sniff), no milk chocolate (sniff,sniff, sniff, sniff), no fried or battered....so no junk food. The book teaches you to eat HEALTHY and BALANCED.
I sound like a salesperson don't I? Anyway, I need some encouragement, so no waving pizza, ice cream (or any kind of dessert for that matter!) or chocolate under my nose, k? Anyone want to join me so I have some comradarie?

Time flies when you're having fun. It's been several days of vacation and I feel so much more like myself now. I'm looking forward to next semester and trying to figure out work as well. I'm not sure if I'm going to work as a nanny next semester because they want me two days a week and I'm a little nervous about committing to two days with all of the writing I'll be doing. But I'll see if I can strike a deal with them about that...
For all of you that didn't make it out to college group on Friday night, you totally missed out. It felt so nice to get everyone together on a Friday night and hang out and dig into the Word. I have to say I was a bit skeptical, only because I wasn't sure of what to expect, but it was really cool. I'm looking forward to this Friday night. Oh! And for all of the college girls who read this, we're planning on going out on Saturday night for a "girls night," which means dinner somewhere and then maybe cosmic bowling? Anyone up for it? Give me a call and we'll figure out the time details. Or, come on Friday night to the college group and we'll figure it out further. I'd like to have a chill night with the girls before I leave for the summer, so it would mean a lot to me!
Anyhoo, I better get to work and figure out what needs to be done around the office (not much I'm sure, since I did most of it yesterday). Take care and God bless and continue to keep Chrissy in your prayers for the baby--she's a little over half way there! :)

MY SEMESTER IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHOOHOOHOHOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(not done yet)...
YIPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So let me begin by saying that today is a GLORIOUS, glorious day! I've had the wonderful opportunity to take the day off from work, be done with school for the summer and just do whatever I wanted to do. It has truly been a great day and I feel so relieved that everything is done and I can move on to classes and things that I enjoy so much more. :D Oh happy day!
I started the day by waking up when my body was ready to wake up, which ended up only being 8 a.m.--not so bad for sleeping in. It tells me that I didn't completely drain my body over the last few weeks. Then, I went running, got cleaned up, watched the rest of Roman Holiday, a fabulous Audrey Hepburn movie (my favorite movie star in the whole wide world!) and then I went shopping! No kids, not for any other reason but to get my wardrobe ready for the newsroom in Tucson. I have to look professional, you know? Can't go in there in my tank tops and college girl capris. So I spent a little bit of money, nothing that will put me in debt, but had a great time just being out and about.
Then, when I had had enough (or should I say, when my credit card had had enough-), I came back home and have been sitting around doing absolutely NOTHING for the last hour. It's been one of the nicest hours in a long, long time. I was ready for a break.
Tonight my family, Obadiah and another couple and I are all going to the Third Day concert. Lots of fun.
Anyway, thanks for all the love and support during this stressful time---now it's over! Tucson, watch out! I'm coming for you in two weeks!

Obedience.
I walked in your shadow,
One step it seemed behind.
Believing I had everything
But one thing left to find.
I asked you for the blessing,
But you only turned and smiled
Told me just to wait and see
Which drove me nearly wild.
I felt I had deserved it
And often grew angry with you.
Asking you why I couldn't have it
Asking if there was anything I could do.

But we continued on down the pathway
Meeting many friends along the way,
Me always asking you if I could have it yet
You only smiling in a way words couldn't say.

Then the day came when you finally turned
And stopped me at a point
I asked you what you wanted me to do
And you blessed me and began to annoint.
I felt so unworthy of this love
Uncertain that it was the time
Questioning you if you were really certain
That this blessing should be mine.

You turned me to the blessing with a smile
And continued on your walk,
And I followed, amazed,
As we began to talk.

Somewhere along the way we stopped,
And you waited there too
Asking us to join you again,
Reminding us that your love was true.
But it was so easy to get wrapped up in ourselves
And turn the other cheek
Sometimes only talking about our earthly lives
Not listening to you speak.

My heart desires to give my blessing back
So you can hold it and lift it up
So that you can bless the blessing
And overfill his cup.
I've been so fortunate, so graced
With the gift from above
And more than anything I want to honor you
And show you the depth of my love.

So I give it to you to hold
Knowing in the future you'll give it back
My blessing will be even more amazing
More prepared to make an impact.
I'll never be able to express my gratitude
After all is said and done
But I know that you will be standing there
After the race is raced and won.
Inspired by 1 Samuel 1:1

Hey kids! It's 10:30 and I'm quitting my studying for the night. My last two finals are tomorrow and I have an optional term paper due as well. Thanks for all who have sent up a little prayer or two for me lately. I'm hanging in there and am in much better spirits now that the light at the end of the tunnel is visible. I've been studying hard and it's almost all over with!
I've noticed, for the umpteenth time, that my obsessive nature tends to return around stressful times such as these and you know what I easily turn to? Okay, so there's a list and it's not in any particular order or anything, but here's what I've noticed....
Dealing with something tough, emotional---cleaning (good time to think and get something done...however, dirt just seems to stand out more when I'm upset..what's up with that?)
Dealing with school---food ( I become ravenous and I have no idea why--but I've been drinking gallons of water to try to combat this and also trying to incorporate low cal things that are chocolate as opposed to the really bad stuff--i.e Ben & Jerry's will NEVER be full fat)
Dealing with a comination of the two or just want to celebrate--shopping (c'mon girls, you gotta understand me on this one! I mean, I don't spend a fortune (thank goodness or I'd be flat broke!) but there's something about getting a new pair of earrings or buying that darling Audrey Hepburn purse with a picture straight from Breakfast at Tiffany's on it with rhinestone accents....okay, so it was my $20 splurge for the week...)
Anyway, my point in all this is simply analytical. What is my deal and where in the heck did these coping mechanisms come from? I mean, writing does the trick most of the time for me, but sometimes it feels like I'm dwelling on something if I write about it. So welcome to a day in the life of Jen. Sit back, fasten your seatbelts, folks...(u know the rest).
So Obadiah broke the news---he is signing the papers on the house tomorrow and getting the keys on Friday. It's very exciting, but I've already warned him that he's not allowed to make any drastic changes to the house this summer without talking to me first. I figure "hey, it'll be my house in a matter of...well, one year from Friday." :)
I hope you all are doing great out there and I will continue to survive until tomorrow afternoon around 4ish. After that, I will be in meltdown mode and will only be focused on relaxing and coming down from a ridiculous studying high...or is it considered a low..? I don't know. Anyway, I'll be trying to get back to my normal self (whatever that means!).
Chat later...

Taking a break from studying for now. Things have been pretty busy around here with finals and work and getting things set up for the summer and for the fall. I got my living situation figured out finally..I'm going to live in the apartment as opposed to the house. I think it will present more opportunities to do some outreach and the money was a decent aspect to consider. I'll just have to figure out where I can run over there. But I'm looking forward to the experience although I still don't think it's hit me that I'm going to be gone all summer long. I don't think it will become totally real until I'm in my apartment alone with all of my stuff. But I'll definitely keep everyone updated on what's going on in Tucson-land and how my job is going and all of that. I'll especially report if I see a dead body or something outrageous. I hope I don't get nightmares from covering the cops beat...
Anyway, so today I have one more final that will determine if I receive an A or a B. But I'm not stressing over it. I think I just look at finals with a different perspective than many people I know. I just have to study and do my best and whatever I end up with, I end up with. There's nothing much else I can do about it besides that. I still have about an hour until that final and my last final ended at about 8:30, so basically I've been sitting around studying, I took a power nap, ate lunch and now here I am.
What else to talk about...well, I'm really excited for someone for something, but I can't say it because I'm sure he wants to break the news to everyone who reads these blogs. It looks like he just hasn't had a chance to update his yet. He's a busy boy though. But that's what you have to do sometimes.
Well, I guess I'll get going and study my broadcasting material more. I'll try my best and that's all I can really do.
Until later!

Okay, disregard the next post. Apparently I'm going crazy...

Don't ask me what happened with the next post and why there are three of the same ones...I tried to edit it, but it's not working...

Exciting news---I received two offers for jobs--one from the State Press and the other, the State Press Magazine! It doesn't happen often, from what I've gathered from the staff I talked to, so I felt very flattered. Anyway, I accepted the Magazine, so I'll be a full-time writer for them next semester. I'm very very excited about it.
Aside from that, lots and lots of studying to do this weekend. Tomorrow has been designated "homework day," as it has been for the last few weeks. I need to just sit down and study all day. So, I probably won't be seeing much of the light of day, which is fine by me as long as a lot is accomplished. I'm way more motivated when I have a huge, uninterrupted chunk of time to just do it, you know? Otherwise, I'm always thinking about what I'm doing next or later. It's good just to say "no" flat, to everything.
Anyhoo, better get back to the books.

:Sigh: After ten years, Friends is over. Pretty sad, actually. It's really been the only show that I've never minded watching; rerun or not. Oh well...
I'm getting slightly jealous of all the blogs that I'm surrounded by. We've got colorful ones, ones with comment thingys on them, ones with surveys and pictures. I have so much creativity built up and no where to put it! Dang my EDT 323 class and its Dreamweaver software! I wish I could've learned computer code a lot better. I just want a pink background and a few pictures..is that too much to ask???
So one interview down, one more to go. I interviewed for the State Press newspaper (ASU college paper for all you non-ASU'rs) and then tomorrow I've got the State Press Magazine, which is published once a week. I nailed the interview today and took the writing test, which I think went pretty well. We'll see what happens. It's in God's hands. So is the class I applied for. I'm not sure when I'll find out about either one, though I think State Press will be very soon. We'll see if they want me or not! :)
House hunting in Tucson is going pretty well. It's now between two options: a furnished room in a really nice house in the Catalina foothills (at least I think that's what they're called) or a furnished apartment. The first option is $400/month flat, but I called and asked if they could do $350/month instead and the second option is $220/month plus utilities which are only about $40, so about $260/month. The complex looks nice, but I'm still sending my friend over there to scope it out for me since I can't exactly get down there this weekend. I'll probably make my decision by Monday. And, if I hear back about the State Press, I may have to decide that too which would in turn make me have to decide if I'm done nannying for good or not. This is a full week with studying for finals and it's only gotten more chaotic with these decisions all happening at once. I know that it will work out though because I firmly believe I am where I am right now because of God.
So, I've decided that if I end up at the apartment, I want to buy a DVD/video tape player---Obadiah, what do you think? We could put it in your house when I get back in August and then we'd have one. (Communication is here and there right now, but I'm pretty sure he checks this blog....)
Anyhoo, if anyone sees him or talks to him before me...like if you see Paul or David, let them know to let him know that I want to buy a DVD/video tape player soon. There, that should get to him no matter what now! ;) He'll be hiking all weekend with the boys and I'll be studying all weekend with my pals: Tiananmen Square: The Rape of Peking and Broadcast News Writing, Reporting and Producing. They seem cool, huh? Oh, and I think I figured out the annotation thing, in case anyone was wondering. Now all I have to do is read 6 different sources by Monday so I can put some things together by Wednesday. PLENTY of time... :)
What else is on my mind...well, wouldn't you know, it's blank right now. That's all she wrote....

I feel you call my name
And I know that you are here
I've waited all day long
To shed these weary tears.
You call to me in my darkness
And tell me everything's all right
That you've never left me alone
And that you're bringing me the light.
I smile through glistening eyes
As you sit down to comfort me
And I feel you sympathize
As you tell me I am free.

Still here I am left pondering
The simplest of all things
Wondering where you went
And what the future brings.
I've been dealing with this pain in my heart
For longer than I care to admit
And still it remains here, everpresent
In this place where I sit.

Why do so many wish to inflict pain
And teach a child they're not good enough
That no matter what they do the bar is raised
And the good girl needs to be tough?
Take away her tears
Her ways to vent
Take away her forgiveness
Saying it's already been spent?
Good enough for a time
But mistakes will cost her
And regaining what she once had
Will take quite some time, for sure.

What they don't know can hurt her
For she's taken the lessons learned
She's implemented them in her own life now
And believes forgiveness is earned.

Feliz Cinco de Mayo! Well, I guess it's almost over now. Anyway, I was going to go and hang out with a friend tonight after I taped the show at KAET, but she bailed. She had a massive headache so I guess we'll reschedule. It really bummed me out though. I'm missing fellowship time, communicating time. When I'm not at school or at work or doing schoolwork, what little free time I have is spent with my boyfriend or my family or church. I feel like there's been quite a disconnect lately. I guess I just miss talking for hours on the phone with my best friends. I've drifted into an even deeper slump this after spending time with one of my best friends this past weekend in Tucson. Being around her made me feel homesick, if that makes any sense. We know each other so well and i can talk to her about anything and she'll completely understand. And she's always there for me when I need her, even though her free time is probably even less than mine. But she's a true friend and even now as I write about her, I can't help but feel sad and tear up a bit.
But hey, that's life right? Busy with getting things in order for the future, undergoing change, feeling a little lonely. I suppose I should get used to it to an extent, being that I'll really be dealing with it when I move down to Tucson this summer. Chels won't be there, she'll be coming back up to Phoenix. So hopefully I can meet some good, fun people.
I thought things would get better as I got older. That making friends would come more naturally, that I'd just ease into a group and run around with lots of people in college. But the more I grow up, the more I realize that some things never change. I'm still the girl that has a tough time making "run around" friends, the girl who would rather sit around and talk about deeper things or go to the mall and talk about deep issues while browsing through clothes I won't buy. I'm still the girl with insecurities, still the girl who tends to me more introspective and reserved when given the chance. I just wonder why there's such a scarcity of shoulders to cry on. I have my girls at church, but there's a part of me that just doesn't want to burden them because I know they have a lot on their plates too. And I guess what makes things even harder is the fact that my world operates on a spur of the moment sort of deal because I never know when time will free up. When it does, somethings else pops up in its place. Take for example, my MCO 302 class. We have to retake every question we get wrong on the tests we take if we want to get an A. We just took a test on Monday, got it back today and now I need to study and retake those questions along with all of my other school studies. I hope this doesn't sound like complaining because really it isn't.
I love my life and I love the things I'm striving for, the things I'm learning, the wonderful, caring people who surround me. I couldn't possibly ask for anything better. However, the statement still stands: it'll never be good enough...because I'm not perfect, I can't always give 110 percent effort for everything I do. But that's the standard, the gold standard to which I feel I'm measured. Call me a perfectionist. Call me crazy...whatever you want. I'll still always be that girl who needs something else, someone else to carry her burdens, tell her it's okay not to do everything perfectly and that no one should pressure her into feeling like she's not good enough. I'll still always need that reassuring voice in my mind that occasionally makes me break down into tears and helps me realize what a Ragamuffin I am, how much I need Christ and how weak I am without him. I'll still need that reassurance to tell me that walking by faith and not by sight is more important than having a clear picture mapped out in my head regarding my future. I'll still need to take a deep break, swallow the lump in my throat and move on even through opposition to the things I feel called to do in my life. I still need Him to cradle me at nighttime when I'm in prayer and tell me that He's here for me...Abba, Daddy.

Había pensado de muchas cosas y me parece que no puedo hacer decisiones hasta que me graduo. ¿Por qué es que tengo venti-uno años y no puedo decidir donde quiero vivir, cuando quiero casarme y a cualquier hora quiero volver a mi casa. Estoy muy agradecida que mis padres hacen tanto mucho para mi, pero quiero crecer. Quisiera aprender por la experiencia.
Sólo quiero casarme con mi novio para terminar algunas de estas dificultidades.

Díos, llamo a tí para ayuda
Necesito tener paciencia
Pero la calle es larga
Y siento cansada.
Ayudeme ver la vida en un luz diferente.
Ayudeme buscarte entre la oscuridad.

My sister's fish died. Totally croaked. And you know what she did? She came into my room this morning GLEEFUL about the fact that he was dead. Dead...lying at the bottom of the bowl. And here's the bad part...he's still dead on the bottom of the bowl! So not only did he die a lonely death, but he hasn't even received a prompt and proper burial at sea yet! I tell you folks, it's terrible. Please...(hear me on this one) PLEASE, when I die, treat me better than my sister did the fish. Not that that's going to happen any time soon, but you know what I mean. Geez...the poor fish..no respect I tell you, no respect.
Life in my fish bowl has been a little on the murky side as well. Finals tend to do that to you. And interviews for jobs that are 4 months away. And moving to an unfamiliar city where you just want to live in the place you feel most comfortable and in safety and peace and quiet. But, the bright side is that I have pretty much all day tomorrow, all day Thursday, all day Friday and all day Saturday to study for finals and write a 6 page report (extra credit) that I haven't even started yet. Anyone know how to write a term paper with annotations? If so, feel free to let me know, cuz at this point I'm going to be searching through old English 101 textbooks for it. Spare me the time so I can read the information I need to have for the paper...
But at least I can have a little bit of time right now to collect my thoughts...and stare at the poor dead fish. Why did we put him on the computer desk anyway? What could be more depressing than that? Watching a bunch of college students yawn their way through paper after paper...no wonder he died. I'm surprised he didn't die sooner... of boredom!
And that's probably what I'm doing to you right now.
Okay, onward and upward, onto the more serious side...
Today I found out about a really cool opportunity. For the first time in the "J-school's" history, they're starting a program where one Depth Reporting class will enterprise story ideas, assign ideas, research and interview and then go down to Monterrey, Mexico for 7-10 days to meet with journalism students at Monterrey Tec University and do it all in Spanish while getting more info. Then, a magazine will be put together with all of the information, pictures from the photojournalism student, and a webpage put together and several TV packages. The magazine will be sent out nationwide! How cool is that? Anyway, I talked with the director today and she said she can only accept 6 print students, 4 TV people, 1 webpage person and 1 photog for the class. Only 12 people. And she said the trip will cost less than $500 and they're trying to get America West Airlines to fund our tickets down there. Then it would be really cheap. But this is such an amazing, once-in-a-lifetime experience that will add so much to a resume, not to mention provide some amazing clips. I talked with my journalism prof who is a mentor of sorts to me for journalism advice and she said it would be a great class for me. This lady knows the biz, so I trust her judgment there. She hasn't steered me wrong yet. So I have to go through an application process now and, wouldn't you know, just like everyone else, the due date is during finals. Whoohoo! I also have two interviews this week--one for the State Press newspaper (school newspaper) and the other for the weekly State Press Magazine. We'll see what happens with them. I'm hopeful though.
:sigh: phew...
Pray for me and this whole living thing in Tucson. I had it all pretty much sorted out in my head until now. Dang, I tried so hard and found a great deal...anyway, I need prayer for patience to deal with that situation and not do anything I regret. I just want to make some decisions on my own, you know? This really is a funny age. Such a tightrope.
Moving on...
I was reading in Matthew this morning...Mr. Matt 21 was pretty funny actually. I love the New Living Translation of the Bible because it just seems so much more true to life, you know? Okay, so what I got a kick out of was Jesus' conversation with the leading priests and others..
21:23-27
To paraphrase, the priests and the other guys confront Jesus, which i picture going like this...
Priests and homeboys: Dude, what's your problem? You think you're the boss of this Temple and can make people just leave because you want them gone?
Jesus: I'll tell you that IF you answer one question (:think Monty Python and the Holy Grail and the bridge scene) ...John's baptism was it from man or from God?
:Jeopardy music begins...:
:Priests huddle together like a bunch of football players, one every once-in-a-while stealing a look over his shoulder to glance at Jesus, who's calmly standing nearby with his hands clasped together in front of him)
:Priests in huddle: "Dude, we can't say it was from God or he'll ask us why we thought he was frontin'...and we can't say it's from man because then we'll get jacked up by this mob because they think he's the man"
:Silence...cricket chirp, cricket chirp:
:Priests and homeboys turn back to Jesus:
Priests and homeboys: "We don't know." :shrugs:
:Jesus, cocks head and smiles: "Then I won't answer your question either.
:Walks away:

I could totally see that happening in real life. The priests and men knowing they were caught and yet still trying to get out of it. Ooo, ephiphany! That totally reminds me of some of the kids I've done Bible studies with before on Sundays (quite a while ago, mind you). It's like they didn't want to mess up so rather than going one way or another, to save face, they'd say "I don't know." But it's just like Jesus did...he's not going to the answer the question until he gets a straight answer. I like that he doesn't beat around the bush with them or us for that matter. We need more of that, don't you think? I know I do...sorry, more stream of thought.
So that's my "deep thought" for the night. I'm pretty tired. And tomorrow I will begin my 5 day journey to understanding everything there is to know about Tianenmen Square in China, how to make a soundbite most appealing, why we use wallpaper footage, the role of news consultants in the global media and, your favorite and mine, how to conjugate a verb fifty million different ways. I bet you're jealous now. I'm sorry that I have made you stumble. Goodnight.

:Sigh: I suck at being a Christian. Okay, so I don't completely suck at being a Christian, but dangit, Christ has done so much for me, so why do I continually screw up, continually alienating him by not being as faithful to him as he is to me? Definitely not easy...guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off and continue on. Forgiveness...do I deserve it? Do I take it for granted?

Dang I'm hungry...and my boss is eating popcorn....is that considered unlawful treatment of your employees? Could I take that to court....smells so good...okay, so I'm not going to bore you anymore.
'Til next time...

Helplessness
Like a bird in a hurricane.
Love
Like a mother to a child.
Desperate
Like a drowning victim's struggle to the top.
Isolation
Like a leper in a city

Here and yet not,
Alone in a crowd
Conveying nothing
Seeing everything.

...Speak to me,
And tell me all the things that I need to know
I want to hear you now..
Can you?
Speak to me...

Comfort
Like tears to a handkerchief
Like the softness of a pillow
Like the warmth of the first day of Spring.

...I need you like water, like breath, like life,
I need you like mercy from heaven's grace
There's a freedom in your arms that carries me through
I need you...

Give me that pillow
That gasp of air.
Give me that handkerchief,
That eye of the storm.
Bring me to safety
Bring me to life.
Take away the self pity
Take away the worry
Take away the self doubt
Take away the insecurities
Take away the black box
Take away the bindings
Take away them all
For the freedom of your arms
Abba
Daddy.

I'm homesick, I'm lonely,
Yearning for something more
I'm tired, I'm frustrated
Sick of just the norm.
Craving the sunlight
Hungering for satisfaction
I've realized the trivials,
Realized the emptiness of it all.
Oh expressive, unrelenting, deceitful heart of mine!
Constantly reassuring all the desires that will never fill
Empty, caught up in it all
Desperate, delirious.
I shrink into myself and curl into the corner
Away, unpenetrable.
Need to think, to analyze, to map it out
Need to calm, to focus, find a way out.
So used to doing it on my own
Somehow the reins are back,
Picked up from your feet
Along with the other mindless games, boxed and black.

I take them all back.
Push them away.
Take them all back.
What's yours is mine
But mine not yours
Consumed in a fury of selfishness
Consumed in my own black boxed games.
Alluring, intriguing
But they never fill.
Never fill,
Never fill.

....Lord prepare me,
To be a sanctuary
Pure and holy
Tried and true...
With thanksgiving,
I'll be a li-ving
Sanctu-ary
For you

So won't you...
Open the eyes of my heart Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I wanna see you
I wanna see you.
Open the eyes of my heart Lord
Open the eyes of my heart.
I wanna see you
I wanna see you

For Lord,
This is my desire...
To honor you..
Lord with all my heart
I worship you...
All I have within me
I give you praise...
All that I adore,
Is in you...

Because
Lord, You're beau-ti-ful
Your face, is all I see.
And when Your eyes
Are on this child..Your grace abounds in me..

I think my sister's fish is sick. He's just sitting on the bottom, every once in a while going up to the top of the bowl and getting a nibble to eat. Sometimes I think I feel like my sister's fish. I'm down, go up for a bit and then float around in a world that seems to be so routine sometimes. There's a hunger inside of me that wants to see the world outside of the bowl, but at the same time, is fearful of that life outside of the bowl. Unknown, new, different and slightly scary. I'm always open to exploring, but the leap is always the most difficult. I can't believe I'll be away from home for three months. I can't believe I'll be away from my family, away from my friends...dejá vú....
Mi canción
Díos, quiero caminar contigo,
He deseado estar contigo por siempre,
Pero las cosas del mundo me confusan,
Y, a veces, quisiera tomar mi tiempo y hacer cualquier cosa que quiera.
Díos, digame,
Llamame por mi nombre,
Y ayudeme entender todo que quisiera hacer en mi vida.
Gracias, Dios, por sus benediciones,
Para el milagro de su Hijo,
Muestreme la puerta de vida,
Porque quiero más,
Más de tú,
Y menos de yo.
Estás mi canción,
Bailo para ti, y canto para ti
Porque estás la canción de mi corazón.

Searching....and searching some more

:Sigh: Another day of surfing the web and to no avail. I need to find a place to live in Tucson this summer and I had thought I had a place nailed down and realized that for the money I'd pay there, I could have more space, my OWN space and a bathroom in my room and possibly a kitchen. I'm getting more nervous as May is quickly approaching and think I'll be going down to Tucson this Saturday to do some searching. I'm enjoying the fact that I can grow up a little, that I'll be paying a good portion of my own bills and making more decisions on my own. I'm nervous about being down there because I'm not familiar with it, because I'm concerned about all of the little things that I probably don't need to worry about but worry about anyway. I don't know. It'll be hard to be away from home, away from my sister, away from my best friend ;), away from my friends and family. It'll be tough. But I know there's a reason God provided this opportunity. I just think about it right now and how I could be doing something completely different, had I kept going with broadcasting. It'll be cool to see what God does this summer with me to see exactly why he wanted me where he's putting me.
The days are long right now, with work and school occupying my time...I really should be doing homework right now, but I'd rather free-write and get what's on my mind sort of off my mind for the time being at least. Today I didn't get to talk to Obadiah much...just "hi" in the morning. That makes for a long day. I was fortunate enough to see him yesterday and I'm so grateful for that. It just seems to help my week along, you know? I never thought the "your mate is your best friend" thing was really true and though he's not my "mate" yet, I can see where the best friend thing comes into play. Although I have to say that I think I get sick of my girl best friend far more quickly than I do of him. ;) Funny how that works...

So this won't be as deep as a few days ago, but today has been interesting. Do you ever feel like even though you're spending time with someone in a group, that you're not really spending time with them? I've found that even though I am with my best friend in a group, in a crowd, I can still feel alone and I can still miss him. I'm so ridiculous sometimes! :) I think I find the most complicated ways of feeling emotions sometimes. But hey, I'm a quality time person. You could buy me the fanciest present in the world, but if you won't spend a few uninterrupted hours with me, doing absolutely nothing but talking or doing absolutely nothing but staring, then you don't know how to make me intrinsically happy. Isn't that strange? I crave more than anything in the world to know others and to be known. More than anything, I just love getting to know someone and know their thoughts. Maybe that's why reality TV is so appealing to me at times, though I know the production people take what they like to hear and see and put it on the screen--slant it if you will.
Where was I going with that? Oh yeah, so reality TV...it's interesting to get into people's heads. I psychoanalyze myself all the time...I wonder if anyone else out there does...Oh well.
So tonight I finally got my "alone time" with my best friend. Nothing like it in the world and nothing I'd ever trade it for. That hour made me feel so much more connected and meant so much to me. And there's also something about enjoying the outdoors by the lake and just walking in God's creation. Very pleasant although I had been looking forward to Ultimate Frisbee. However, I know my heart really needed that time and it definitely felt like it was remedied.
Deep thought for the night; I need to get back into a Bible-reading schedule. I'm so terrible about getting up in the morning to do it. Keep that, among many other things, in your prayers. Also, Tucson...oh Tucson, my beloved..haha. Off I go hi-ho, hi-ho, this summer. I'm still praying about where the heck I'm going to live down there...I may end up at the dorms and oh, how much fun that would be! But I'm praying that God would place me in that room or house where I am needed and can be used. I know he can do awesome things and I'm willing to give him my summer, at the very least, to let him have me. I'll be trying the Vineyard out down there, so we'll see what happens. Hopefully it'll feel as good as this church family (dude, these stupid grey pop up ads are getting on my nerves! Anyone know how to get them to stop coming back???)
OK, enough of the ads, i'm out of here. Thanks for reading my heart. Hope you're having a great night/week/day whatever.

Torn
I try so hard to climb the mountain,
To reach the very top,
Yet time and again I'm slowing,
Caught up, unable to stop.
I'm torn in every direction
As the path unfolds before me,
I feel so lost in this place sometimes
Though I've been set free.

On one side I see the green of the valley
Its rivers steadily flowing
On the other I see the darkness
The shadows, the thorns overgrowing.
It seems so easy a decision
Until I look again at the trail
And realize the one to the green
Is so easy to fail.

My life until this point has been full
Hardly anything I couldn't do
And even when things seemed tough
I always seemed to pull through.
I could conquer the mountain
Take a leap into the sea
And never look back behind me
Because I'd been set free.

Then again I'd never looked at the map
Had only blazed my own trail
And the times I thought I was certain,
To an extent, I did fail.

I walked the straight and narrow
Doing everything I was told,
Asking how high to jump
No matter how old.
But the heart wasn't changed
The thoughts not renewed,
So many things to deal with
So many things have ensued.

I'm still learning why the darkness looks so appetizing
Why the thorns so friendly
Even now as I stand knowing
They don't caress so tenderally.
The path to the thorns seems so easy,
So clear and so worn,
Yet I'm drawn to the Son,
Still feeling somewhat torn.
+++++++++++++++++++

I feel like I'm talking to everyone when I write this, yet it's so much easier to be vulnerable when it isn't face to face. I do want everyone to know me and know my thoughts so I can be kept accountable, but there's a part of me that hesistates. It more than likely is the nagging voice of my inner self consciousness that I often struggle with. The same one that tells me no matter what, I'm never going to be good enough. The grades will never be good enough. The writing ability will never be good enough. My body will never be good enough. My relationship with the Lord will never be good enough. It's like this thing has placed a bar that is just above my head and no matter what I do or how hard I try, I can never reach it. I guess that is what I struggle with in the Christian life. I love God with all of my heart and want to worship him with all that I have in me...I want my life to be the best to honor him. Yet, everytime I fall and succumb to whatever temptation lures me; appearance, food, others' expectations of me, lust, I have the hardest time accepting God's forgiveness. I know he died for me. I know he loves me. But if I mess up, I feel like I've let this ultimate, Supreme, forever-loving God down. I picture him sighing, shaking his head at me and saying to himself "Jen, Jen, Jen...not again." I hate disappointing Him. I hate disappointing anyone. Is there something wrong with me for feeling this way?
It's like last Sunday's lesson. Pastor Danny was talking about blessings. Being blessed. The Beatitudes. I understood exactly what he was saying, yet when it came time to accept blessings, to be blessed, I didn't feel worthy. I feel like I've been blessed by God in so many awesome and amazing ways. I want for nothing, nothing but to know Him more and understand Him more. I want nothing more than to cast the desires and expectations of the world to the wayside, but I feel like that's my responsibility because those are the choices I have to make. I know I'm human, and i make mistakes ALL the time, but how do you get over the thought of disappointing your ultimate Father? I feel ultimately discouraged if I even let my earthly father down.
So that's what's on my heart...what do you think?

My heart cries out to you and breaks,
Such familiarity, it hits so close.
I pray for you often, but not nearly enough
God please wake her up
I feel so helpless, as my tears pour
All I want is for her to be happy once more
Turning to so many other things to fix the ache
My heart cries out to you and breaks.
I want to reach out to you and grab ahold of you
Hug you and never let you go
So you can't hurt yourself again
So that I could be your friend
I wish I could save you
Take you away and bring you back anew
I wish you could have more cloudless days,
Less days full of night.
This helpless feeling overtakes me
Though it's not about me
God, why can't I do more???
What should I do?
I know you're the only one who can pull her through.
God, I know you give choices, but can't you see?
This child, she needs you, but how can it be?
That instead she's swirled in darkness.
God, what do I do?
Please help me, what do I do?

Lately I've been praying for someone special. Though I haven't had the time that I've wanted to spend with her, she's always been in my thoughts. Maybe I have a little bit of that knight in shining armor syndrome Obadiah is always talking about. Maybe I really understand how he must feel now. With all of my heart I want to help, but I don't know if there's anything I can do. When you teach yourself how to cope with pain or emotions in a negative way over years and years, it's a hard habit to break. I know all I can do is ask for God to intervene and lead me in the right direction if he wants me to do something and continue praying to him about all of this.
Tonight's show on the Real World (a show I hardly ever watch, especially on weekdays), someone found out that another cast member was cutting herself after going through a tough time emotionally. The girl went to a therapist. But who knows if she'll be "cured." I just don't know. It hurts, but I can tell you exactly where it hurts...only, sometimes I don't think the "someone special" I know, knows. I wish she could tell me, tell God just where it hurts.

Change 4/6/04
So tough to be apart and yet,
Each moment filled to the brim.
Thoughts of you drift in and out of my mind
I should be focusing on what's at hand
I should be listening and soaking it in
But I sit and think.
I think of the nights we played in the grass
Music and trees swaying
I think of the moments spent talking for a lifetime
The moment of feeling pulsing electricity at the touch of your lips
The moment we danced, boombox low, rain falling gently.
I think of the precious moments
And pull myself further from the present
Actions of innocence, yet raging desires
Open one door and forever flooded.
Things may not be new now,
But they don't have to be the same
I sit here and think of you and know we can change.

Baby, I love you so very much. I couldn't have ever imagined being paired with the dream man that was forever etched in my mind's eye. But here you are. Baby, I know I'm not always the person I should be, nor the person I want to be, but I promise to you, now and forever, my life is in God's hands and I want Him to continue changing me. Support me, love me, pray for me as you always do and as I always do for you. You are my prince charming and as perfect as I could've ever imagined you. No matter what, baby, I promise that I will be here for you and love you with all of my heart and everything I have. I know we say this often, but truly, you mean the world to me and I couldn't imagine nor do I want to imagine a single day without you in my life. Thank you for your devoted commitment to me and your undying support. You are my very best friend in the whole world and I feel so incredibly privileged to be part of your life. I love you! :) (May 14th 2005 here we come!)

Conversations with God(JNG 4/3/04)
I feel your heart breaking
As I read the words on your heart,
I know your frustrations
I know you don't know where to start.
Sometimes you wish you had the power to change
Those things out of your control,
To make life sweeter
And cleanse each person's soul.
I feel your pain
As you observe what seems hopeless,
And the intervention you await,
Seems far away; you're restless.

+++++++++
Change.
Will it come or will it go,
God's plan seems so out of reach, everything out of control
Tackle one problem, but before you know,
Another one surfaces, another ache in your soul.

Lord I need your wisdom,
Your clarity, your thought,
Tell me what to do,
Remind me what you taught.
I keep on falling into the abyss,
And you keep reaching out for me,
I try to take care of myself,
Believing I already hold the key.

This life seems so confusing at times,
The lure so deliciously baited,
Yet time again when I grab ahold
I'm reminded I should have waited.

Take this reckless abandon
Take it far away from me,
Lead me out of the depths of darkness,
Turn me loose, set me free.

++++++++++++
I know your pain,
I see your grief,
Give me your yoke,
Accept this relief.
Rest in the One who's known you
Since the time you were spun,
Keep on pressing on
Until this battle is won.

++++++++++++++
Faithful to forgive,
Faithful to trust,
Lord I hand to you this precious gift
The one you said I must.
You gently entrusted it to me
What seems a thousand days ago,
I held it close for a bit of time
Then did what my second nature knows.
I turned my face from you
Yet you persisted on,
Reminding me it wasn't mine
And someday it would be gone.
After that it would be You and me
With no distractions or worldly things,
Just my Abba and me
You are my love song, you are my king.

Today I cleaned the house for pretty much the whole day. It was a good thing, because everything was a mess! Also, I have lots of studying to do--can you tell I'm procrastinating? I just want this semester to be over already!!!!
I'm still continuing to struggle with myself on a number of issues, but mostly surrendering. Recently, I surrendered my future in terms of my career, and now I need to continue surrendering my physical relationship. Sometimes it just feels as if time is standing still and the day will never come. I know it will, I mean, it's already been 2 years, but somehow one more year just seems like forever.
I need to get back on track with reading my Bible more and my prayer life is slowly but surely getting back to what it used to be. The hardest thing about all of this is that it never seems like there's enough time. But then again, I say that after I lounge in front of the TV for a few hours. I just want to be mindless sometimes after days that are full of thinking.
Anyway, there's my day and my thoughts in a nutshell.