Went into the doctor again earlier this week for my monthly appointment to make sure everything is going well with the pregnancy. They had a special treat for me this time: a quick sonogram to listen to the baby's heart. As I lifted up my shirt a bit and the girl squeezed the cold gel on the end of the listening piece, I just smiled in anticipation.

Then I heard the whirring, but it was my own heart.

She slid the piece further to the right side and there it was. The quick, steady whirring of the 14-week-old child growing inside of me. How amazing, how crazy amazing it is. That's all I can say.

I laid there, nearly holding my breath so I wouldn't miss a moment of it, so she wouldn't lose it.

Smiling, the thought crossed my mind. Isn't it incredible that you can fall in love with someone you've never met whom you've only heard their heart beat.

Truly this all is a miracle of God. From my very first ultrasound at 6 weeks hearing the baby's heart, I just couldn't fathom how anyone could call this anything but a living child.

I'm now just one month away from finding out the gender and you'd better bet I'll be finding out! There's so much planning to do and a name to be found for this little one, our first born.

We took our first trip to Babies R Us today together and I showed him the bedding I'd want for a boy, if we had one. I'm having more trouble finding girl stuff I like (aside from clothes, go figure!), so we'll see what happens.

It's such an amazing journey we're starting on and we're only a few steps in.

In the last two months I feel as though I've been surrounded by death.

Today I found out that yet another person passed away, but he took his own life. I didn't really know him, quite frankly. He was a former coworker from another department at the newspaper I wrote for for a time. It sounds like he had a few DUIs against him, a faltering personal life and the paper where he wrote for five years fired him during cutbacks. His friends thought he was doing okay, but they were still concerned about him. He committed suicide about two days ago, apparently.

It's shaken up a few of my former coworkers who are now just friends of mine. Normally their calls are filled with complaints and gossip regarding the craziness going on over there still. This time it was with solemnity in their voices that I heard the most recent news. It's the second suicide of an acquaintance that's happened in the past year and both times I find myself wondering how they came to such an unfortunate conclusion that they'd be better off dead. That life was too much. That there was no longer hope or reason to live.

Perhaps I'll never understand it, as it's always a complicated mess and the depths of despair are without measure. Still, it's a time to reflect and examine our relationships, especially with the ones who might be in that same dark place.

Just a few short weeks ago, a mom of five and close friend of ours passed away in a tragic car accident. She shouldn't have even made it from the car to the hospital. Arteries severed from her heart, they med-evaced her to a medical center where doctors said no one with her injuries typically survived her situation or even made it off of the surgery table alive. She did and she strengthened for three days only to pass away about five days after the crash due to an infection.
A month ago, a childhood friend overdosed on heroin and died. Some accounts allege that someone at a party stabbed him with the needle. But his friends paint a different picture of a troubled kid who'd just fallen off of the wagon again after recommitting his life to his God.

It's easy to look at all of the situations and ask "why." Why didn't someone find out he/she was in such a bad place and stop them? Why couldn't he have just pulled through the accident, lived and learned his lesson? Why did such an incredible woman have to die in such a horrific way and leave her children and husband behind?

The "why" questions really can't be answered nor will they take us through the journey of grief we need to embark on in order to find closure. We'll never know the answers to those questions. For me, it's about what we do with the information we have. How are we living our lives? How are we loving and treating others? Are we in our own little worlds and caring only about the stresses we encounter when we should be aware of those around us too?

All of this death sucks, but rather than stewing in the tragic nature of it all, I choose to love, live and pray for those who walk through it and extend my hand. I'm not perfect, but neither is anyone else.

What are you choosing to do today?

To my never-friend by j.p. 04/16/08

Put on the waterproof today
Not sure why he passed away.
It's crazy to remember the days gone by,
Seems like yesterday he made me cry.
Playground times with too much teasing,
He never really cared about teacher-pleasing.
Years wandered by and then,
I reconnected with my never-friend.
His eyes full of sincerity,
He apologized for what he'd done to me.
Changed by Christ, sins washed away,
He was renewed, his debts had been forever paid.
Now I go to say good-bye one last time,
To my never-friend, with water-proofed eyes.

Crazy World -jp 04/12/08

Crazy world
Can I leave you behind?
Escape this reality
And the mixed up state of mind?
Crazy world
You've got it all wrong
Poisoning hearts
With your siren song.
Crazy world
I wish I could take their pain away
Destroy those choices
And debts they have to pay.
Crazy world
You just don't understand forgiveness anyway
Turning your back and spitting
Covering the innocent one's face.
Crazy world
You leave solitude in your wake
Heads spinning, bodies jarring
With every soul you take.
Crazy world
Sometimes I feel so alone
Just living my life in truth
Every step setting the tone.
Crazy world
What future lies ahead?
So much suffering from the lies
The darkness pouring from words unsaid.
Crazy world.
Crazy, crazy mixed up world.
I don't belong to you.
Me and my foreign heart.

God created us to be with Him.
Our sins separated us from God.
Sin cannot be covered by the good things we've done.
Paying the price for sin, Jesus died and rose again.
Everyone who believes in Him will have eternal life.
Life eternal means we'll be with Him forever.

GOSPEL. The Good News.
We learned the acronym at a youth conference this weekend and we went door to door collecting canned goods, praying for people and telling them about the Gospel.

That's my religion. That's my Jesus.

Perhaps I have too much of a child-like faith at times. Perhaps I should read theology books cover to cover and immerse myself in figuring things out. Perhaps I shouldn't simply rely on reading scripture and listening to the call on my heart alone.

But that's how He changed me and continues to do so. That's how I came to following Him.
That's how I came to know my Jesus and the gospel.

It's not all about my faith, but by God's Word.

Disillusioned Heart --jp 3/2/08

I say a prayer
And the tears sink in deep,
Pondering her thoughts with an edge
Striving to leave it alone, let it keep.
Broken shards and painful memories
Send her streaming downhill,
Seeming to escape the pounding reality
And somehow start over, harnessing her own will.
But no level of disillusionment
Or flight will change the truth,
That though she believes it's all her against the world
Her scars are all she needs as conflicting the proof.

No person or creature
Nor drug or love,
Will fix the self loathing or heal the pain
That comes from within.
Only He with scarred hands
Can understand hers and turn them pure,
Only He can clarify the messages
That haunt and plague the heart within her.

Este no es perfecto, pero son mis pensamientos de mi viaje al Mexico recentemente.

No puedo protegerles
por jp 17/2/08

No puedo protegerles,
De los monsteros,
O ruidos de la noche.
De los hombres malos
con sus palabras peligrosos.
No puedo protegerles
de las cosas del mundo,
Mientras estan dormiendo,
No puedo hacer nada
Sino que orar, criar, golpiar
al Dios por sus vidas.
sus inocencia.
No puedo protegerles
Pero mi Dios estan en cuartos
Estan en sus suenos
Peleando contra los demonios del pasado.
Estan escuchando cuando mis ninos estan sufriendo y cuando
le estranan a sus mamas.
Estan alla, siempre.
Cuando no estoy y cuando no puedo protegerles.